Old and New Jokes

If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, youre in trouble.

Whats better than winning the gold medal at the special olympics?

Not being retarded!

Whats the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer.A mechanical engineer builds bombs.
A civil engineer builds targets.

(Forwarding this gem from one of my discussion groups. Nearly laughed my Byrd off. The poster could neither confirm nor deny authorship.)

Internet Response to the Communications Decency Act

With the passing of the Communications Decency Act, we urge all people wishing to use electronic communications, but forced to limit their language and thus risk confusion, to consider using the following list of substitute words, which we feel the Senators involved will be reluctant to ban or censor:

Byrd:Noun:The posterior or hinder parts, specifically the anus.
Coats:Noun:Excrement, or as a verb to excrete.
Exon:Verb:To copulate with, the act of copulation.
Gorton:Noun:The female genitals, or specifically the vagina.
Gramm:Verb:To achieve orgasm. Also colloquially used as a noun.
Heflin:Noun:The female secondary sexual characteristics.
Helms:Noun:The male phallus.

An example of this usage might be as follows:

Exon me !, she cried, as I licked her hot wet Gorton. She writhed under my teasing tongue as her Gramm washed over her, her juices pouring out. I moved up to suck and nibble her Heflins, only to have her clutch my Byrd, and drive my aching Helms into her waiting Gorton. Coats!, she said, Were being quoted in a political text!

In closing, wed like to thank Senators Exon and Gorton for their sterling work in attempting to clean up the Internet. We hope that this immodest proposal will let them know just how much we appreciate it, and that they should rest assured that we will do our part in making sure their names are never forgotten.

Perhaps U.S. citizens should edit this document to include senators from their state who supported this measure. Net citizens, feel free to add comments on any or all of these Byrds.

A special thanks to Hawaii Senators:

Daniel Inouye: Verb: To kick back and force others to fulfill ones most outrageous fantasies, or as a noun, one who cannot Gramm any other way.

Daniel Akaka: Noun: The afterglow of nonconsensual Byrd sex, or as a verb, instilling this feeling in others.

[Note: Free distribution and editing of this text is encouraged, provided no person attempts to claim copyright]

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

Im about to close, the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeons hand and says, Im not going to let you do that! Ill close my own incision!

The doctor hands him the thread and says, Go ahead…Suture self!

A guy walks into a bar and hears this voice say,
Hey, youre a pretty good-looking guy.

Upon, further investigation, he realizes that the voice is coming from a bowl of nuts.

So he asks the barman, Whats this?

The bartender replies, Theyre complimentary peanuts.

Off to Welfare recepients, virgins, postal workers, very large people, mild sexual content, etc, etc, etc.

The new Republican agenda calls for elimination of welfare payments for a third child. Theyre calling it Three Tykes and Youre Out.

While in Hawaii, President Clinton visited volcanoes. He really isnt interested in volcanoes, he was just looking for virgins.

Progress has been slow in the Postal Service contract talks. Postal strikes are forbidden by law, but that hasnt stopped workers from staging job actions such as delivering mail undamaged, on time and to the right address…

Speaking of the Post Office… The new Nixon stamp is different from other stamps. According to the postmaster, youll be able to accuse the stamp of a cover up, you just wont be able to make it stick. In order to make the new Marilyn Monroe stamp stick, you have to lick it a bunch of times. Oddly enough, most guys dont seem to mind.

A Sellersville, Pa. woman who weighed 1,050 pounds is suing a tabloid for comparing her to a baby elephant. She said this is one insult she will never forget!

Recent headlines make me feel kind of nostalgic… Jimmy Carter negotiates peace… Rolling Stones have the biggest rock tour… George Foreman is the heavyweight champion of the world… I decided to put on my bell-bottoms and get in line for gas.

* Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
* Those who have it think those who do not are somehow inferior.
* Those who dont have it may agree it is neat, but think it is not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
* Many of those who dont have it would like to try, a phenomenon psychologists call e-mail envy.
* Its more fun when its up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
* In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people think that is the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it only for fun.
* If you dont use proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
* If you use it too much, youll find it becomes more difficult to think coherently.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
* If you are not careful with what you do with it, it can get you in a lot of trouble.AND… THE NUMBER ONE REASON IS…*If you play with it too much, you will go blind.

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. Theyre up in heaven, and Gods sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses Al first. Al, what do you believe in?

Al replies, Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and well all die.

God thinks for a second and says Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.

God then addresses Bill Clinton. Bill, what do you believe in? Bill

Clinton replies, Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples pain. God thinks for a few second and says, Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.

God then address Bill Gates. Bill Gates, what do you believe?

Bill Gates said, I believe youre in my chair.

Two guys are sitting in a bar swapping Newfie jokes. A Newfie comes
in, and, after listening for a bit, contributes one of his own:

How do you get a Newfie girl pregnant?

The two guys are stumped. I dunno.

Gee, and you say Newfies are stupid!