Old and New Jokes

Try this at home!

Ring! Ring! Ring!

1 – Hello, Angels R Us, Inc.

2 – Do you sell angels?

1 – Why yes, we do!

2 – Great! I want a bucket of wings, extra crispy.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said DONT WALK.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?

A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldnt wake up the sleeping pills.

Q: Why did God create blondes?

A: Because sheep cant bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes?

A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldnt get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?

A: To turn the blinker off.

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A: She saw 911 on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?

A: Because she loved children.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor ??

A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog Measure was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, What can your dog do?. The Teamster called his dog whose name was Coffee Break and said, Show the fellows what you can do. Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmens Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
A: 300–one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.

Questions about love, marriage and sex were posed to kids ages 5 to 10. Their answers below are enlightening:

What is the proper age to get married?
Eighty-four! Because at that age, you dont have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.
(Judy, 8)
Once Im done with kindergarten, Im going to find me a wife!
(Tom, 5)


What do most people do on a date?
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
(Mike, 10)

When is it okay to kiss someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause shell want to have videos of the wedding.
(Jim, 10)
Never kiss in front of other people. Its a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.
(Kally, 9)


The Great Debate: Is it better to be single or married?
Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!
(Lynette, 9)
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. Im just a kid. I dont need that kind of trouble.
(Kenny, 7)


Concerning why love happens between two particular people
No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. Thats why perfume and deodorant are so popular.
(Jan, 9)
I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isnt supposed to be so painful.
(Harlen, 8)


On what falling in love is like
Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.
(Roger, 9)
If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I dont want to do it. It takes too long.
(Leo, 7)


On the role of good looks in love
If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in your family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful.
(Jeanne, 8)
It isnt always just how you look. Look at me. Im handsome like anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet.
(Gary, 7)

Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.
(Christine, 9)


Concerning why lovers often hold hands
They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they paid good money for them.
(Dave, 8)

Confidential opinions about love
Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when The Simpsons is on television.
(Anita, 6)
Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.
(Bobby, 8)

Im not rushing into being in love. Im finding fourth grade hard enough.
(Regina, 10)


The personal qualities necessary to be a good lover
One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.
(Ava, 8)

Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you
Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.
(Del, 6)
Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention aint the same thing as love.
(Alonzo, 9)

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.
(Bart, 9)


How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love
Just see if the man picks up the check. Thats how you can tell if hes in love.
(John, 9)
Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.
(Brad, 8)

Its love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because its just like how their hearts are…on fire.
(Christine, 9)


What most people are thinking when they say I love you
The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.
(Michelle, 9)

How a person learns to kiss
You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.
(Doug, 7)
It might help to watch soap operas all day.
(Carin, 9)


When is it okay to kiss someone?
Its never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…Thats why I stopped doing it.
(Jean, 10)

How to make love endure
Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.
(Tom, 7)
Dont forget your wifes name…That will mess up the love.
(Roger, 8)

Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.
(Randy, 8)

15. Prayer books contain nothing but show tunes.
14. In church, they pass a specimen plate.
13. Their main prophet is scamming on your girlfriend.
12. You must kneel and pray five times a day facing Redmond, Washington.
11. The *only* food that youre allowed to eat is pork.
10. The first reading is from the Book of Newt…
9. Your position in the afterlife depends on how many cleaning products you sell here on earth.
8. Larry Kings birthday is the High Holy Day for the year.
7. Your new messiah claims to have fed the multitudes with a bucket of chicken, some fries, and a Big Gulp.
6. Even though they taste heavenly, youre pretty sure Malomars are not a sacrament.
5. All the commandments begin, You might be a sinner if…
4. Sinner of the Week eligible for valuable prizes.
3. Constant fear that the elders will discover the laptop youve got squirreled away in the buggy shed.
2. Frequency of circumcision increased from once in a lifetime to once a year.
1. Communion performed with tortilla chips and a shot of Cuervo.

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay, okay, Im a rabbit, Im a rabbit.

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.



The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, Brrr!.



The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, Listen, if you ever do that again Ill cut yer balls off!



The gremlin says, Aint got none! Well, Ill cut off yer prick! Aint got one of them, neither. says the gremlin.



Well, how do ya pee?



The gremlin smiled and said, Brrr!

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are on top of a mountain when a genie appears infront of them. You may all have one wish. says the genie. But, whatever you wish for you will land in once you jump off the cliff.

The Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts GOLD!



The Scotsman jumps off the cliff and shouts WHISKEY!



The Irishman goes to jump of the cliff, trips over a rock and says Oh Shit!

10. Picky, picky, picky.





9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.





8. Beauty is only shell deep.





7. When you ask whats wrong, they say nothing.





6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.





5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.





4. Smalltalk is important.





3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong.





2. They make you take the garbage out.





1. Miss a period and they go wild