Old and New Jokes

One of Microsoft Networks finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off — whereupon he yelled toward the target area…

Its leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!

Guns dont kill people. Dumb-ass, shit-for-brains, rednecks with no jobs kill people.

Computer Terminology…



486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.



State-of-the-art: Any computer you cant afford.



Obsolete: Any computer you own.



Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.



G3: Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.



Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.



Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.



GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey)



Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.



Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.



Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.



Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.



Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.



Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.



System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

A woman goes to the doctors and says, Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.



A week later the woman returns and says, Doctor, Doctor, its gotten worse!



Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! Whats wrong with me?



Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.



Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, Doctor, Doctor, Im still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!



The doctor says, Relax, Relax,… youre just going through your change!

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

A: About three inches.

What does a nun wear on a date?

A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was Do you notice anything unusual about me? The guy said, Now that you mention it, you have no ears. The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, Do you notice anything unusual about me?

The guy also noticed, Yes, you have no ears. The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, Do you notice anything unusual about me?

The guy replied Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses.

Surprised, the man then asked, Wow! Thats quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?

The guy burst out laughing and said you cant wear glasses if you dont have any ears!

One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch,You Bitch
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox In Detox
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo – Can You?
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
The Cat in the Blender
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
Aunts in My Pants
Oh, the Places Youll Scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Grinchs Ten Inches

Why do R. Kellys parties always end at 6 in the morning?

Because he has to get all the girls to school by 7:00.

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS Government Department of Fish and WildLife Sec. 1200

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout whiplash, ambulance, or free Perrier for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, entrap, or possess it.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)

2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)

3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)

4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3) (Female only)

5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)

6. Honest Attorney…………………(0) (On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)

7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)

8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)

9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)

10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)