Old and New Jokes

On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of
pregnancy are often masked by obesity. The brother-in-law of a friend
told me the first part of this story; my cousin told me the second.
Both are now doctors, and both assured me that the stories are true.

In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman,
the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted
the aid of two orderlies who wrapped the womans legs in sheets and
pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a
chair between her legs and made his diagnosis:

Youre pregnant, he said. But how you got that way without two
sheets and a chair is beyond me.

After making a similar comment, my cousin was informed by the
patient, Youre not the first short-dick white boy to tell me that.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.

Dave, John and Sam were involved in a horrific car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter came up to them and said,

You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds and will have your transport chosen accordingly

Saint Peter looked at Dave.
You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you will drive around heaven in an old, beat-up Skoda.

Next Saint Peter looked at John.
You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this you will forever travel through heaven in a Lada station wagon.

Saint Peter finally looked at Sam.
You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex before marriage and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.

A short time later, John and Dave pulled their cars next to Sams Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying.

Whats wrong Sam? they asked. You got the Ferrari. Youre set forever. Why so down?

Sam looked up ever so slowly, opened his mouth and cried,
I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.

A guy goes in a bar and gets really drunk and starts to walk home. Every 2 steps he falls.

So he is 2 steps away from his doorway and he falls in. Then he tries to walk up the stairs quietly and get in bed.



In the morning his wife gets up before him and says Were you drinking lastnight?



He asks, how did you know?



She says you left your wheelchair at the bar

What did Eve had to admit when she was told by a snake that she was naked? That she got 6 bucks to take it off for a dog. (Dog=god) She was just so ugly.

The Virgin Mary was so hard up that she had to go into a barn to have sex. (And with the Lord Dog).

B. Bob wakes up early on the opening day of dove season, he feels like shooting something. He wakes up his wife and says Honey, remember that you promised to go to the hunting lease with me today.?

She says that she is not going anywhere with him today and to leave me alone!





Well, B. Bob gets pretty pissed off about his wife?s attitude; so, he says,



?Look, if you don?t go to the lease with me, then you will have to do something else for me?.



?You can do one of three things:



1. You can go to the lease.



2. I will fuck you in the ass.



3. You will give me a blow job.?





B. Bob?s wife just rolls over in bed and turns her back to him. This really adds to his disappointment and frustration. But, B. Bob just goes to the bathroom to shower and get dressed. Returning, a short time later, in his coveralls and hunting vest, he repeats his ultimatum to her with no success. All three of his wished were declined; each appeal met with only the words no, no, no.





Now he is really pissed and storms out of the house, into the garage. His wife hears a lot of noises: gear banging around, and doors slamming. After a few minutes it is quiet, there is silence from the garage, until suddenly, the dog starts yelping and growling. More slamming of doors and banging against the walls. This lasts for a few minutes until B. Bob storms back to the bedroom.





He says to his wife, ?well, I am ready to leave now. Which is it going to be??



?Are you going to the hunting lease with me??



?No?



?Then am I going to fuck you in the ass?



?NO you are not.?



?Well then it must be lucky number three. You are going to suck my dick!?





With that statement, B. Bob unzips his coveralls and pulls out his dick. His wife slowly sits up, moves to the edge of the bed, and pulls his dick into her mouth. She begins to lick and suck for a few seconds, but suddenly stops, spits, gags, and says, ?YOUR DICK TASTES LIKE SHIT?.





B. Bob answers, ?Yeah, the fucking dog didn?t want to go either.?

1. Its fireproof.
2. Hes probably just hibernating.
3. What does this button do?
4. Its probably just a rash.
5. Are you sure the power is off?
6. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
7. Pull the pin and count to what?
8. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
9. I wonder where the mother bear is.
10. Ive seen this done on TV.
11. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
12. Ill hold it and you light the fuse.
13. Let it down slowly.
14. Its strong enough for both of us.
15. This doesnt taste right.
16. I can make this light before it changes.
17. Nice doggie.
18. I can do that with my eyes closed.
19. Ive done this before.
20. What duck?
21. Well, weve made it this far.
22. Thats odd.
23. Dont be so superstitious.
24. Now watch this
25. Like I never heard that before.

There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well-spoken.

Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?

I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.

Your hands? What do you mean?

Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!

One day ryan kent went over to his girl friends house to watch t.v. When Ryans girl frined got really close, he got some led in his pencil and got emberresed becouse his pants started to stick up. Now he was really embarresed because his girlfriend asked him what it was. He said that it was a banana he had been saving to eat. His girl friend said ok, but im hungry arent you, can i have a bit of the banana.Ryan said that it was a pencil and his girl friend said ok, but i need to finish some home work will you help me.So her and ryan went up stairs to do some homework.Then thay went up stairs and he pulled down his over alls and his girl friends eyes get big and she says holy shit thats the littlest thing ive ever seen. Then she slappes it and said i had to do some homework and eat a banana, not look at a little worm.