Old and New Jokes

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but hell break ten bulbs before figuring out that they cant just be pushed in.

A 69 interrupted by a period.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:*I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
*Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
*Gun wounds again?
*Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
*A normal person wouldnt steal pituitaries.
*Darn, Ill burn you into a BBQ chicken.
*Take my advice, or Ill spank you a lot.
*Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
*Quiet or Ill blow your throat up.
*Ill fire aimlessly if you dont come out!
*You daring lousy guy.
*Beat him out of recognizable shape!
*Yah-hah, evil spider woman! i have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough examination.
*I have been scared silly too much lately.
*I got knife scars more than the number of your legs hair!
*Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
*The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
*How can you use my intestines as a gift?
*Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
*You always use violence. I shouldve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

A blonde had two horses, but she couldnt tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

ARTERY–The study of fine paintings. BARIUM–What you do when CPR fails. BENIGN–What yoiu are after you be

8. CAESAREAN SECTION–A district in Rome. COLIC–A sheep dog. COMA–A punctuation mark. CONGENITAL–Friendly. DILATE–To live longer. FESTER–Quicker. G.I. SERIES–Baseball game between teams of soldiers. GRIPPE–A suitcase. HANGNAIL–A coat hook. MEDICAL STAFF–A Doctors cane. MINOR OPERATION–Coal digging. MORBID–A higher offer. NODE–Was aware of. ORGANIC–Church musician. OUTPATIENT–A person who has fainted. POST-OPERATIVE–A letter carrier. PROTEIN–In favor of young people. SECRETION–Hiding anything. SEROLOGY–Study of English knighthood. TABLET–A small table. TUMOR–An extra pair. URINE–Opposite of youre out. VARICOSE VEINS–Veins which are very close together.

Just heard on the radio, purportedly factual:

A West Virginia man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss
it with his priest.

The priest gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss
it with his doctor.

The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering
that he hadnt talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.

His family voted 14-4 in favor of it.

why did the jewish pie cross the road?

because it was meat an potatoe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

En la sala de espera de la maternidad, un jóven recibe la noticia de que acaba de ser padre y cae al suelo redondo.

Mientras la enfermera que le ha informado le atiende, sale el doctor con el recién nacido en brazos y, sorprendido al ver al joven desmayado le pregunta a la enfermera:

¿Qué ha sucedido?

¡Creí que me preguntaba la hora y le dije SEIS!

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.



A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, You should be hung!



To which he calmly replied, I am. Thats why she cuts the grass!

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?

The mother replies, Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.



OK said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?



They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert, the camel mother answers.



Thanks Mom replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??



The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.



Thats great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but… Mom?



Yes son?



Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?