Old and New Jokes

El novio acompaña a su novia a la casa después de una salida. Cuando llegan a la entrada él, adoptando una posición ganadora, apoya una mano en la pared y le dice:

Mi amor, ¿por qué no me chupás la pija?

¿Acá? ¡Vos estás loco!

Dale, rapidito, no pasa nada.

¡No! Puede aparecer alguno de mi familia o algún vecino y reconocerme.

Pero es un ratito nada más, a esta hora no viene nadie.

¡Te dije que no, no y no!

Dale, si a vos te gusta, una chupadita nada más.

¡No!

Dale, no seas así.

En ese momento aparece la hermana de la chica, en camisón y toda despeinada, avisándole:

Dice papá que se la chupes, y si no, que se la chupe yo, y si no, dice que baja él y se la chupa, pero que por favor levante la mano del portero eléctrico que son las 3:30 a.m.

A father and his little boy went to church. The sermon was on the long
side and the boy fell asleep.

This particular priest hated people going to sleep during his sermons.
When ever someone appeared to be sleeping the priest would ask them a
question to make sure they were paying attention.

When the priest noticed the boy sleeping, he went over and asked the boy
Who is the ruler of the world?

The boys father jabbed the boy with a pen to wake him up. The boy felt
the jab, opened his eyes and exclaimed God!.

The priest said correct, and continued on with his sermon. Sure enough
the boy fell back asleep. This time the priest asked Who is the Son of
God?

Again the father jabbed the boy with a pen, and he opened his eyes and
said Jesus Christ!. The priest thanked the boy and continued on with his
sermon.

When the boy fell asleep the third time, the priest, livid with anger asked
a much harder question Ok, smartass, What did Eve declare to Adam after
their tenth child?

The boy was sound asleep, and the father had to poke him quite hard to wake
him. The boy yelled If you stick that thing in me one more time, Im
gonna break it in half!!

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

This chain letter was started by a gentleman in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women!

One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER-this chain brings luck. One mans pit bull died, and the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! An unmarried Turkish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well-educated, sweet coed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac!

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his wife back!!!

Santa Singh has to leave the city on business and he entrusts with his best friend, Banta Singh, the job of keeping an eye on his wife.

If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.

After about a week of no news Santa Singh received a telegram: The man who comes to visit your wife every night didnt show up yesterday…

The UNIX Philosophy

Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the
other numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
driver makes a mistake, a GIANT ? lights up in the center of the
dashboard. The experienced driver, says he, will usually know
whats wrong.

Original source unknown; found on Joseph Evans (Electrical and
Computer Engineering professor at Kansas University) door.

Dear Bill:

As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament.

Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to

admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter

———————

Dear Bill:

OK, so Ill never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

———————-

My Dear Chap:

This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that

charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit

that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant

———————-

Bill:

They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up!

Mayor Marion Berry

———————-

Dear Bill:

Look at the bright side. At least you werent caught wearing Monicas

thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? Im back on

TV for the fall.

Marv Albert

———————-

Dear Mr. President:

You may have noticed that Im not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon

(note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, youre not the

only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isnt really sex.

Warm personal regards,

Newt

—————————-

Dear Bill:

Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards

and invites her to come on her show anytime.

Frank Gifford

—————————

Dear Mr. President:

Now Im on the Supreme Court. Im here for life! And theres nothing

anyone can do about it! So there!

Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

————————–

Dear Former Worthy Opponent:

Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself

into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!

Bob Dole

————————-

Dear Mr. President:

I think its terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, youre welcome to

bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you

want. Ill move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can

have their room.

Michael Jackson

————————–

Dear Fellow Sinner:

Jesus forgives you and so do I.

Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

————————-

Dear Bill:

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Jim Baker

P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

————————-

Dear Bill:

Next time (if there is a next time), dont let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!

With sympathy,

Rob Lowe

————————-

Dear Bill:

If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit.

Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually

manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday Ill be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I dont have a sense of humor)

HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

————————

Dear Mr. President:

We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.

The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

Una vez a un tigre lo castigraron y no le dieron de comer, mientras que el burro se banqueteaba, entonces el tigre le dijo al burro: Dame un poco de tu comida.

Y el burro le dijo no, entonces el tigre le dijo: Esta tarde trae a tu pandilla y yo a la mia.

Llegó la tarde y estuvieron las dos manadas para pelear. El Jefe de los tigres dijo:

Tigres, saquen las garras y ataquen.

El jefe de los burros dijo:

Burros, saquen la pinga y ataquen.

Entonces el jefe de los tigre dijo:

¡Tigres, cierren el culo y escapen!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. The Road Warrior, Repo Man, Casablanca,) almost inaudibly.