Old and New Jokes

A brunette says to a blonde Look! A dead bird! and the blonde looks up and says Where?

One day, a blonde is out shopping and decides to stop in at a shoe store. After shes been there for awhile, she finds a pair of crocodile skin shoes that she loves. She asks the cashier how much they are, and when he answers, she decides that she cant afford them. So she leaves.
A few hours later, the cashier is driving home from work, when he sees the same woman on the side of the road, next to a huge body of water. Hes a bit surprised, so he pulls over to see if shes okay. But before he has time to ask her, he notices shes got a huge gun in her hands, and is shooting into the water. Then he sees that she has a huge pile of dead crocodiles beside her.
She shoots into the water again, killing yet another crocodile, pulls it out and yells Damn! This ones not wearing shoes either!

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other Heres to 17 days!

Smiling, the bartender says, Congratulations! Whats so special about 17 days?

Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, Well, weve been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!

Dos grupos de estudiantes de una universidad van en el mismo tren a una convención de matemáticos e informáticos. Todos los matemáticos han comprado su billete, pero los informáticos han comprado sólo uno, así que los matemáticos están preparandose para reírse a su costa.

En esto, uno de los informáticos grita REVISOR, y todos los informáticos se meten en el cuarto de baño. El revisor llega, les pide los billetes a los matemáticos, y al llegar al cuarto de baño llama a la puerta y dice EL BILLETE, POR FAVOR. Entonces los informáticos pasan el billete por debajo de la puerta. Después, cuando el revisor ha pasado, los informáticos vuelven a sentarse y se ríen de los matemáticos.

Al acabar la convención, todos los estudiantes se vuelven a encontrar en la estación del tren y los matemáticos deciden usar el mismo truco, así que compran un sólo billete para todos ellos, pero cuando suben al tren se encuentran con que los informáticos no han comprado ni un sólo billete, así que de nuevo se preparan para gozar de su venganza…

Al cabo de un rato, alguien grita REVISOR, y entonces todos los informáticos se dirigen a un cuarto de baño y todos los matemáticos a otro. Al cabo de unos segundos, los informáticos abren su puerta y uno de ellos asoma su cabeza y mira cuidadosamente a su alrededor; luego sale del cuarto, se dirige al cuarto de baño de los matemáticos, llama a la puerta y dice: EL BILLETE, POR FAVOR

Q. How do you drown a blonde?

A. Put a scratch-and-snif sticker on the bottom of the pool.

What do you call a hundred dead [Ethnics] at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover Seder…..

Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot.

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers,

Why is this knight different from all other knights?

Freds convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

I suppose, said his pretty but reluctant date, youre going to pull the old out of gas routine.

No, said Fred, Im going to pull the here after routine.

The here after routine – whats that?, she wanted to know.

If youre not here after what Im here after, youll be here after Im gone.

A butcher in his shop, and hes real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well.

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dogs mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since its close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices its the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. Theres no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heavens sake !, to which the guy responds… Genius me butt – this is the second time this week that hes forgotton his key!

One time President CLINTON was put into a coma and Vice President GORE was put in charge.

The president finally woke up two years later. Then a nurse came over and asked him what he wanted now that he was up.

The President said I really want a nice e hamburger, say how much they cost now?

The nurse said 100 yen.