Old and New Jokes

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

A: Spot.

Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?

So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping womens knees at parties.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

This story was related to me yesterday at lunch by a fellow manager, who
heard it from his dad (guaranteed true…) Phenomenal testimony that
physics shall not be denied, with some small humor value as well.

This story involves railroad cars, Denver and a fascinating gadget used in
auto wrecking yards called a chipper. Apparently this device is fed
old auto carcasses, and it in turn produces manageable-sized chips of
metal.

Seems that on this eventful evening, four gondola cars were filled by a
chipper and headed out of Denver around dusk. Somewhere along the track,
on an uphill grade, something mechanical failed on one of the cars, and
the train pulled to a siding to uncouple it. The dutiful crew chocked
the wheels with rocks, wood chunks, etc. and then proceeded to unhook the
car.

Seems no one had the slightest idea of the mass being packed in that unit,
as the rocks/wood held it in place for about 6 seconds. Since the crew
had not yet re-switched the tracks (they thought the rest of the train would
be returning to the main line) the gondola car soon found itself back on the
main trackline, heading back into Denver.

The engineer sprinted to the engine and full-throttled the thing after the
car. After 15 minutes, he still didnt even have a visual on it, so he
abandoned the engine, flagged down the nearest car, and drove to the
nearest station, from which he radioed the situation that this car was
cranking toward town and no one knew exactly where it was.

The station crews immediately calculated the correct combination of switches
to route this car on the straightest course thru Denver, the rail yard, and
out the other side, then remotely downed every crossing gate they could,
followed by dispatching crews, cops and civil servants to down the rest
of the crossing arms manually and staff the intersections.

Several witnesses testified that the gondola car passed their locations at
between 85 and 90 MPH.

Whilst traversing the rail yard, the car was forced to execute a slight
left-hand curve in the track on its way out of Denver. The post mortem
revealed that the curved section of track was stretched and displaced
8 feet to the right by the car.

Immediately upon leaving the yard, two of the fastest engines they had were
dispatched, full-throttle, in hot pursuit of the errant gondola car.
Since dusk had now turned into evening, no one could get a visual on the car,
but it did proceed out of Denver until it hit yet another uphill grade, at
which time the pendulum effect took over…

The drivers of the engines (serially-coupled) suddenly saw a dark blob
approaching them on the track, They quickly (?) slammed the engines into
reverse, but could see after about a minute that they were not gaining
any ground on this car, so they jumped from the cab.

One of them, looking back at the impact, noted that, although the mass of
the two engines was sufficient to stop the car, the front coupling assembly
of the lead engine was obliterated, and the front engine was lifted in
place and set back down by the impact.

Steven Swinkels (with thanks to Michael Andrews for the tale)
Amdahl Corporation

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vaughan!
Vaughan who?
Vaughan day my prince will come!

Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A rooster says, Cock a doodle doo!, but a blonde says, Any cockll do!

Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadnt had to do for better than twenty years.The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed,lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you cant find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more.At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied, The condom made of lambs intestine has a more natural feel.I said Not to us city boys.

Last name: _________________

First name:

(Check appropriate box)

[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic

[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress

[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouses Name_________________________

2nd Spouses Name: _________________

3rd Spouses Name: _________________

Lovers Name: ________________________

2nd Lovers Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle

[_] Mother [_] Son

[_] Father [_] Daughter

[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: _____

Number that are yours: _____

Mothers Name: ___________________

Fathers Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

___ Total number of vehicles that you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:

[_] truck [_] kitchen

[_] bedroom [_] bathroom

[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:

_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe

[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest

[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times youve seen a UFO

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis

___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly

[_] Monthly

[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow

[_] Brown [_] Black

[_] N/A

How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 200-400 miles

[_] over 400 miles

[_] whats a miles?

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank – all of which hed lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called, Young man, dont do that! There is no need to end your life! Im a witch and I can help you! I doubt it, he said sadly, Ive stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which Ill probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me.

Young man, witches can do anything, she said. Im going to perform a witch miracle. She said, ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and theres another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!

He looked at her in disbelief, Is this all true? he asked.

Of course, she said, But to keep it true you must do one thing.

Anything! he said, Anything!

You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me.

He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone- as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night. In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked, Sonny, how old are you?

Im thirty-two, he said.

Tell me something, then, she said. Arent you a little too old to believe in witches?

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?
 
Woman: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.
 

 
Man: Is this seat empty?
 
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
 

 
Man: Your body is like a temple.
 
Woman: Sorry there are no services today.
 

 
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
 
Woman: But would you stay there?