AS THEY GET OLD…
– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
– Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
– Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
– Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
– Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
– Old investors never die, they just roll over.
– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…
– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
– Old owls never die, they just dont give a hoot.
– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
– Old printers never die, theyre just not the type.
– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
– Old students never die, they just get degraded.
– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
– Walt Disney didnt die. Hes in suspended animation.
– Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
– Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Men cant go with women to the bathroom.
Women complain about the ailments of getting older. Men show off the
pot-belly theyve acquired and say they want two more just like it!
Guy-friends dancing with Gal-friends steers away potential girl/boy-friends
(or one-night stands).
Gals complain about their weight and guys laugh at them. A guy mentions he
might need to do a bit of toning up in the gym and the gal agrees with him, then
more things he needs to do to look better.
Cat-calling differs too much. Guys: I wish I had a swing like that on my
front porch! Gals: Look at that ass…!
Gals cant go out unless all their friends are also doing something. Guys go
out even if their best friends parents both died on a Princess Cruise
while filming The Love Boats 100th Reunion and his girlfriend just
dumped him for Tom Cruise.
Gals dont like the cat-calls they get from men. Guys wish they got more
cat-calls from women.
Gals like to just hang and dance with gal-friends. Guys will try to
Humpty Dance with their gal-friends… while shes trying too hook up with Tom
Cruise.
Women dont care who the top-ranked pinch hitter in the Minor League is.
Men get nervous about any womans driving. Men also spin their cars on snow
on purpose during the winter.
Men can eat all they want and still think they look like Joe Montana.
Gals will take strays home and try to find a real home for it. Guys will
play target practice with the stray as it tries to run out of the way (as the
car spins on the snow).
Guy-friends ask for their gal-friends to return borrowed clothes.
Gals will complement guy-friends when they look nice (or their gal-friends
for that matter). Guys make a big deal about Im not hitting on you, but…
when they compliment a gal-friend (they never complement their guy-friends).
Guys get ticked when he goes shopping with a gal and she doesnt take the
advice he gives her. Guy: But you asked me what color I liked better!
Guys read the newspaper. Gals go through looking for sales and see what
Kathys words-of-wisdom are for the day.
Women never get tired of visiting the shoe store or the pet shop.
Women ignore the phone for a nice hot bath. Men ignore the phone during a
basketball game. Women always call men during basketball games and men always
call women while theyre taking a bath.
Men can get their hair cut for $6.00.
Men dont have to shave their pits or legs, and still think they look like
Joe Montana if they go without shaving their faces.
Women are used to the herd instinct.
Gal #1: This is lame… lets do something else.
Other Gals: Okay! Where to?
Men do their own thing.
Guy #1: Dudes, this place is slammed. Im outta here!
Other Guys: Well leave then, you looser!
Note: this doesnt bother either group within the group, but when a the coffee
pots mix, the water goes sour.
Women can get free drinks at the bar, men only when with their gal-friends.
A man will ditch a woman to play with his newest electronic gadget.
When gal and guy friends park to talk, everyone else believes they just
parked.
Women enjoy spending $300+ on something they will use only once.
Guys cant play tackle football with gal-friends.
Women can watch Top Gun an infinite number of times and still get
excited when the shadow-scenes come up. Men live for Star Trek marathon
weekends when they start off watching all the hour-episodes, then go into the
six movies, and finale it with all the little specials they have accumulated
on-tape.
Guys will never understand how devastating breaking a nail really is.
In a movie, guys want to see more blood and more sex. Gals just want to see
Tom Cruise naked – once!
Guys still go out when they have a bad hair day. Gals cant go out until
every eyelash is properly sequenced.
You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.
You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.
Your idea of a fancy dessert is moon pie ala mode.
A Texas Aggie and a farmer were walking through the farmers field one sunny afternoon when they came upon a sheep with his head stuck through the fence, unable to extricate itself.
Look at that poor sheep, hes stuck! commented the Aggie.
No hes not, said the farmer, his head is caught in the fence for a reason.
What reason? asked the Aggie.
Well, let me show you said the farmer and promptly pulled down his pants and began to have furious sex with the sheep.
When he was finished the farmer further explained We stick their heads through the fence so they cant get away.
The aggie responds by saying, I see. Well, that looks really fun!
The farmer says, Would you like to try?
The aggie responds with I sure would! and promptly sticks his head though the fence.
You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day!
Whats a pathetic weak piece of @#$%*! like you doing in a !&%#@$ dump like this??
Drop trou and give me 20!
Care to accompany me on a quiet, romantic, moonlit beach for a 5-mile hike and a hundred push-ups
Soldier, Im admiring your strategic frontal mammary tissue mounds, two each.
Remember An Officer and a Gentleman? Im neither, baby.
The penalty for being out of uniform is a spanking.
Wanna know why Im called a drill sergeant?
Drop and give me 69!
Baby, you put the fox in foxhole.
Youll only have to give me one pushup soldier, if its your bra.
Your perfume reminds me of napalm in the morning.
Drop and give me 20 — on my lap.
Wanna help me get an honorable discharge?
and Top5s Number 1 Drill Sergeant Pick-Up Line…
Uncle Sam aint the only one who wants you.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
A telphone man joined the Army. As part of his basic
training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at
the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill
Instructor tried to find out why.
Whats the matter with you? asked the DI. Why cant you
hit the target? What were you in civilian life?
I was a telephone man, replied the new recruit, and I
dont know why I cant hit the target. Let me see…
The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle
again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his
finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the
end of his finger off!
Well, the phone man said, writhing in pain, the bullets
are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!
Bruce Stein on the Line
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one thats so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, Well, how was it?
The woman says, You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.
A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. But every ten or fifteen minutes, he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look at it, then put it back in his pocket.
Finally, a friend came up to him and said, George, Ive been watching you all night, and I have to ask…whats in your shirt pocket?
Its a picture of my wife.
Why do you keep looking at it?
Because, George replied, When she finally starts looking good, its time to go home.
La Casa Rosada estaba repleta de cucarachas y ratas y no habÃa quién pudiera sacarlas. Desesperado, Carlitos Menem anuncia que dará lo que sea a quien pueda limpiarla de bichos y roedores.
A los dos dias llega un tipo y pide que le muestren el lugar y luego de un rato le pide al secretario presidencial que le busque la cucaracha mas chiquitita que encuentre, se la trae, la agarra, le habla al oÃdo y la deja en el piso. La cucaracha enfila para la puerta y todas las cucarachas de la Casa Rosada la siguen.
¡Muy bien, felicitaciones! exclama Carlitos, haga lo propio con las ratas y le daré lo que pida.
El buen señor hace lo mismo con la rata más chiquita y todas la demás desaparecen. Carlos Saul encantado lo besa, lo abraza y le dice que pida lo que sea, que él personalmente se lo va a conceder.
El tipo lo mira y le dice:
Traigame el peronista más chiquito que tenga.
Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.