Un borracho sale de la taberna, y al llegar a su barrio se queda totalmente quieto con las llaves en la mano. Un hombre se le acerca y le pregunta:
¿Qué, esperando?
Con tartajosa voz el ebrio responde:
SÃ, como todas las casas dan vueltas, estoy esperando que pase la mÃa.
khudha ne ager ye rista na banaia hota
ek dost ko duje se na milaya hota
ye zindgi ho jati bejaan
ager maine app jesa dost paya na hota
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family, well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Tennessee A & M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu.
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?!
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
NICKNAMES If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. Theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Two old Italian men, Carlo and Giovanni, were sitting on a porch reminiscing about World War II.
It was a real struggle, said Carlo
I know what you mean, replied Giovanni.
I remember I was struggling all the way. I fought and I fought, and I fought, and when I thought I was tired out, I found the strength to carry on fighting another day, Carlo reminisced.
Yup, Giovanni concurred.
But it didnt work, because in the end they made me join the Army anyway, concluded Carlo.
Estos eran dos ratones que andaban por la carretera, en eso pasa un tráiler y el chofer tira un cigarro de marihuana, entonces le dice un ratón al otro, Mira vamos a darle una fumadita, y el otro ratón le contesta, No, yo no le hago a eso Bueno, ¡pues yo sà le fumo! Y que se pone bien loco. Después de dos toques, el méndigo ratón se creÃa Supermán. En eso venÃa otro tráiler por la carretera y dice el ratón que fumó al otro:
Vas a ver cómo te paro ese tráiler con una mano.
Y le dice el otro: No chingues, no seas güey; te van a aplastar.
¡Vas a ver!, le contesta el otro, y diciendo y haciendo, se pone en medio de la calle con una mano haciendo alto y con la otra en la cintura.
En eso, que se le poncha una llanta al tráiler y por buena suerte que se para en la mera mano del ratón.
Cuando se para el tráiler, se baja el chofer y dice: ¡Me lleva la madre! Voy a tener que sacar el gato.
Y dice el ratón:
Ni me amenaces güey. ¡Que te volteo el pinche tráiler!
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but Nescafe. Mum was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: Good till the last drop. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: Benson & Hedges. Mum now knew to go straight to her husbands cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: Extra Long. King Size. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words British Airways. Mum took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.
Mum fainted.
As supposedly reported on CNN:
Undercover police, staging the wedding of a drug kingpins daughter, let it be known on the street that dealers were invited (i. e. Expected to attend).
The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was S. P. O. C. (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.
The long-sought dealers were arrested after the band took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? I Fought The Law, And The Law Won
10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when youre among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Good cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs
From the Daily Collegian:
Elland, England – A 14-year-old boy has united a West Yorkshire town against him. Since age 8, when he already was notorious for stealing candy, he has been arrested 88 times and convicted of 130 crimes, all within 1-1/2 miles of his home, courts and police say.
I would pay for stocks on the precinct (town square) and leave him there with his pants down for a week, said Annette Ford, who had to shell out for more security devices and higher insurance premiums for her florist shop.
The one-boy crime wave rolls on because the courts are unable to lock up one so young. The boy is often ordered to go to a supervised youth center or perform community service.
The teenager, who cannot be named under a British law protecting children, promised last week to go straight.