Old and New Jokes

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

What are you doing?, asked the Mom.

Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

What the hell are you doing?, he asked.

His daughter replied, I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as Ill ever get to a husband.

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

For Chrissakes, what are you doing? she cried.

The husband replied What does it look like Im doing? Im having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!

One time on Saturday Night Live, Dennis Miller made mention of a new movie
coming out called Crocodile Gandhi. In a similar vein, Not Necessarily The
News (on HBO) once had a teaser for Superman III, Psycho II. My friends
and I here at UNC have come up with some sequels of our own, titles that
combine the titles of already existing movies. See what you think, and please
email us if you come up with some yourself! The list is always growing…

Dirty Dances With Wolves
What About Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice?
Pee-Wees Big Adventures In Babysitting
Marathon Rain Man
When Dirty Harry Met Sally…
Nightmare On Wall Street
Star Trek II: The Grapes Of The Wrath Of Khan
License To Kill A Mockingbird
The Year Of Johnny Dangerously
Young Naked Guns
The Elephant Man With Two Brains
Peggy Sue Got Married To The Mob
Three Men And Rosemarys Baby
Lambada: The Forbidden Planet
Zorro, The Gay Blade Runner
2001 Dalmatians
Smokey And The Time Bandits
The Creature From The Blue Lagoon
Terminators Of Endearment

…and our favorite…

Godzilla Must Be Crazy!

Hope to hear from everyone!

Dan, Al, and Kev @ UNC

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A: The more you bang it the looser it gets!

Debido a que el marido estaba en la cárcel, una señora atravesaba penurias; como no la dejaban ver a su esposo le mandó una carta con el guardia. El mensaje tenía escrito lo siguiente:

P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P.

El esposo le responde:

C. C. C. C. C. C.

El vigilante, intrigado, le pregunta a la mujer por el significado de las cartas. Ella le informa que escribió:

Paso Pobrezas Pinches Penurias Pido Permiso Para Putear.

Y él respondió:

Cuida Culito Cobra Carito Cariños Charlie.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, what causes arthritis?



Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.



Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?



I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains
the plan:

– First Ill climb up there with the ladder;

– Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;

– As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;

– When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;

– Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo…

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

Well… explains the experienced gorilla retriever, Its just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat,

Shoot the dog…

Out of my mind… Back in five minutes.

With the overwhelming response to the CBS hit "Survivor", Alabamans have made their own version. Contestants are given pink car to drive from Dothan, to Birmingham, on to Decatur, and back to Dothan. On each car is a bumper sticker that says, "Im gay, Im a yankee, and Im here to steal your guns!" First one back wins.

It was so cold last week I saw a Lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

These are real examples from real resumes. (DONT let this happen to YOU!)

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

Responsibility makes me nervous.
They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldnt work under those conditions.
Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
Work Experience: Dealing with customers conflicts that arouse.
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
Im a rabid typist.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.