Old and New Jokes

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they dont smell and are silent.

The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts … although still silent … stink terribly.

The doctor says, Good!!! Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing.

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. Dont you remember what I told you the other day? he inquired.

Oh, I surely do. the old gent replied, Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mamma and Im cheerful

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease…

Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying Not on the first date.
Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cows body.
Your cow demands to be branded with the Golden Archs Logo.
Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
Your cow joins the Hells Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting MOO backwards.
Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if youll wear something sexy this time.
Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells Bullseye!
Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called LaCream Abdul Milkbar.
Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.

The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

He buys clothes off the store mannequin just to see a woman naked.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, now what?”

At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of
serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks himWhat
the hell did you do to your back?

The patient replies You know that I work for a local night club? Today
morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my
bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and
the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not
find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out
and he was dressing himself.I grabbed the fridge and threw it at
him,Thats how I strained my back

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor says My previous looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell
happened to you? He replies, You know I have been unemployed for a
while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my
alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting
dressed at the same time, and you wont believe it but I was hit by a
fridge.

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients
do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, What the hell happened to you?
Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor!

1. Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem…

2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

3. Charge the mound when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.

5. Musical accompaniment provided by…

6. Stage your own death/suicide.

7. Lead the specators in a Wave.

8. Have a sing-a-long.

9. You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?

10. Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and

concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin…

Una pareja de novios está en casa de la novia acariciándose y besándose, y de pronto el chico, emocionado, se saca su cosa.

Repentinamente llega el padre de la chica y a nuestro amigo no le da tiempo de guardarse su cosa y decide tirarse en el piso como si estuviera buscando algo. El suegro, intrigado por la extraña posición del chico le pregunta:

¿Qué coño estás haciendo?

¡Es que vi a un ratón que acaba de cruzar por aquí!

¿Pero tú estás buscándolo para matarlo o para cogértelo?

A frog walks into a bank and says I wanna loan.



Well Mr.. frog, go over there to Mrs. Blacks desk, she is the loan manager, Im sure she will be happy to talk to you, The head desk says.



The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Blacks desk and says, I wanna loan.



Mrs. Black says, Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to sign, so if you will wait right here… At this point the frog pulls out of his knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her.



She asks, confused, What is this?



The frog croaks back, I wanna loan. She rubs her head, and walks back to her boss and says, I dont get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me this golden disk. Do you know what it is?



The boss laughs and says, Its a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!