Old and New Jokes

how do you fit 100 jews in a car? 5 in then seats and 95 in the ash tray!

"Did ya hear I got married?"
"Oh, thats good."
"No, thats bad! Shes ugly!"
"Oh, thats bad."
"No, thats good! Shes rich."
"Oh, thats good!"
"No, thats bad! She wont give me a cent."
"Oh, thats bad."
"No, thats good! She bought me servants and a big house"
"Oh, thats good."
"No, thats bad! The house burnt down."
"Oh, thats bad."
"No, thats good! She was in it."

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper.

The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to Gods only son last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she had loved God for a long time, that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was thrilled to have had his child.

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that No sexual relationship existed and that the facts of this story will come out in time, verily.

Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives identified only as the Wise Men.

Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beazulbubs investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued Gods political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

Some journalists have speculated that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah may have been to divert attention away from Gods political problems. If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow to Gods career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.

Known for his fiery oratory, God has sometimes been criticized for his political theatrics, as when he introduced the bill he styled The Ten Commandments by appearing as a burning bush on the Senate floor.

Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, however, it is unlikely that a sitting God can be removed from power. Most legal scholars are in agreement that indicting God would constitute taking His name in vain.

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

CLUES

I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.

When Im not well, I drip.

When you blow me, you feel good.

Im spread before Im eaten.

Your tongue gets me off.

People sometimes lick my nuts.

I assist an erection.

Sometimes big balls hang from me.

Im called a big swinger.

Over 1,000 people went down on me.

I wasnt maiden for long.

A big hard thing ripped me open.

You stick your poles inside me.

You tie me down to get me up.

I get wet before you do.

When I go in I cause pain.

I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.

I can fill your hole.

A finger goes in me.

You fiddle with me when youre bored.

The best man always has me first.

All day long, its in and out.

I discharge loads from my shaft.

Both men and women go down on me.

I go in hard.

I come out soft.

You blow me hard.

If I miss, I hit your bush.

Its my job to stuff your box.

When I come, its news.

I offer Protection.

I get the finger ten times.

You use your fingers to get me off.

I have a stiff shaft.

My tip penetrates.

I come with a quiver.

My business is briefs.

I am a cunning linguist.

I plead and plead for it.

I make some guys shoot in the air.

I usually have a little pecker.

Im better in your hand than in your bush.

(answers below)

Answers:

nose
peanut butter
crane
Titanic
tent
dentist
wedding ring
elevator
chewing gum
newspaper boy
glove
arrow
attorney
bird

Credit to: Gisele Herbert

RAINY-WWW

IM GOING FISHING
Translated: Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

ITS A GUY THING
Translated: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?
Translated: Why isnt it already on the table?

UH HUH, SURE, HONEY, OR YES, DEAR
Translated: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response.

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN
Translated: I have no idea how it works.

TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOURE WORKING TOO HARD.
Translated: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

THATS INTERESTING, DEAR.
Translated: Are you still talking?

YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.
Translated: I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, & GOT YOU THESE ROSES.
Translated: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

OH, DONT FUSS – I JUST CUT MYSELF, ITS NO BIG DEAL.
Translated: I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that Im hurt.

HEY, IVE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT IM DOING.
Translated: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I CANT FIND IT.
Translated: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?
Translated: What did you catch me at?

I HEARD YOU.
Translated: I havent the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.
Translated: I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.
Translated: Oh, please dont try on one more outfit, Im starving.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.
Translated: No one will ever see us alive again.

A mans been drinking in the bar alone for three hours straight, and the bartender is getting worried about him. Hes downing whiskey sour after whiskey sour.

Finally, after the man orders his twelfth whiskey sour, the bartender shakes his head and says, Sir, I think youve had enough.

The drunk looks at the bartender closely and says, Wha – whas that you shay?

The bartender swallows.

I said, I think youve had enough sir.

The drunk points a finger….

Lis – l-l-listen Jack, I been drrrrrinking for shirty-thix years and I have no idea when Ive had enough… so h-how the h-hell should y-y-you?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Miniature!
Miniature who?
Miniature open the door, Ill tell you!

Never do anything you wouldnt be caught dead doing.

Q. What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

A. Bingo

New, from Mattel…!

[ANNOUNCER]

New MIGHTY-MORPHIN-JESUS action figures!
With realistic healing and smiting action!

[VOICE OVER]

[child #1]
Aaannggg… Oh no! G.I. Joe is hit… Cobra leader is
getting away!

[whirring sound… Mighty-Morphin-Jesus eyes light and head spins]

[child #1 in Jesus voice]
You are healed my son… now go forth and kick some ass.

[child #2 in G.I. Joe voice]
Thanks J-man., Lets go Joes!

[ANNOUNCER]

Now youre in control… fight the forces of evil with new
Mighty-Morphin-Jesus the action figure.

[Action shot of Jesus figure and He-Man battling Skeletor]

Hes back from the dead and hes pissed.

[VOICE OVER]

[child #2 in Skeletor voice]
So Jesus, we meet again… will you never learn that evil
is stronger than good?

[child #1 in Jesus voice]
That may be, my unholy friend, but I know something even stronger!

[Jesus figure transforms into dinosaur]

[child #2 in Skeletor voice]
No!… Jesusaurus!

[Dinosaur tramples Skeletor and than transforms back into Jesus figure]

[ANNOUNCER]

Mighty-Morphin-Jesus transforms into Dino-Jesus and back with just a twist!

Secret panel in Jesus back holds water, manna, and grappling hook.
(sold separately)

Batteries not necessary.

Also available, new Mighty-Morphin-Moses and friends.
Collect them all!