Old and New Jokes

Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They cant do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
Note : Topical to successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.

Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.

Lawyer #1 says, Boy, wouldnt you like to screw her?

Lawyer #2 then asks, Screw her out of what?

En la playa dos amigas están conversando:

¡Oh, querida, has rebajado mucho!

Es que mi marido me está engañando con otra mujer.

Entonces, ¡divórciate!

¡Por ahora, no, quiero rebajar diez libras más!

Q. What does Winnie the Poo call his mother?

A. PooNannie

A family enter alarge departmental store in a predigious area of London.After browsing the store for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.It is then that they notice a seal standing in acorner situated near the counter. He appeared to be dressed in a period english gentlemans outfit and nodded frequently when customers goods were packaged.The afore mentioned family then placed their purchases on the counter and each time goods were packaged the seal nodded as if in agreement.Afterthe third purchase was made the head of the family asked the counter assistant why the seal nodded each time a purchase was made. Oh,I,m surprised you asked me that because he is obviously our seal of approval

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window… Pull over!

No, she shouts back, a pair of socks!

What do you call 100 Eitheopeans standing in shallow water?

Skinny dipping.

Youre a redneck if…

-You have more fingers than you do teeth

-You cut your grass and find a car

-You consider Dennys a Fancy Resturant

-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors

-Your age is higher than your I.Q.

-Your favorite pickup line is Does this look infected to you?

-You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies Its a gummy bear.

-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.

-You say Watch this everytime before you goto the hospital.

-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition. Check those that apply…



___Your last name is objectionable. I cant imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.



___Your first name is objectionable. Its just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.



___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!



___Your inadvertent admission that you buy condoms by the truckload indicates that you m! ay be interested in me for something other than my personality.



___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.



___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!



___Your legs are skinnier than mine.



___Youre too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.



___Youre too tall. Im developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.



___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.



___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.



___The phrase My Mother has popped up far too often in conversation.



___You still live with your parents.



___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.



___Your frequent references to your ex -girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.



___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.



___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.



___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.



___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.



Sincerely, ______________________

To My Critics



When I am in a sober mood



I worry, work and think



When I am in a drunken mood



I gamble, fight and drink



But when all my moods are over



And the world has come to pass



I hope they bury me upside down



So the world can kiss my ass