Once there were three boys sitting in the park, and a police officer came over to them, and told them they had to come with him to the court because there had been reports of something strange going on in the park.
So, when they got to the court, the judge asked the bailif to bring the first little boy in, and the judge asked him what he had seen. The little boy said Well, sir, there were these two people, and they were fuckin. Judge said Son, i dont allow that kind of language in my court room, bailiff, take him out.
So, the judge called in the second little boy, and asked him what he had seen. Little boy said Well, sir, there were these two people, and they were screwing. Judge again said I dont allow that kind of language, take him out too.
So, then the judge called in the third little boy and asked the same question. The third little boy said Well, sir, I saw ten toes up, ten toes down, two assholes goin round and round, six inches out, and six inches in, thats all im sayin so i dont get thrown in the pin.
yo momma so stupid that she asked you what kind of jeans you had on. And you said Guess so she said Levis.
A railway inspector in Arkansas in the United States was making the rounds of a railway station and yard in a small town.
He located Hank, a man who had worked in the rail yard for almost forty years. He questioned Hank about various safety considerations and seemed to be satisfied that Hank was genuinely knowledgeable about railway safety.
As a last question, he asked Hank what he would do if he saw two trains approaching each other, on the same track, travelling at speeds of 60 miles per hour (96.8 Kph).
Hank said Id yell R.T.
The railway inspector, puzzled by this, asked, Whats R.T.?
Hank said, R.T.s my buddy and he aint never seen no train wreck like that would be!
Pepe Sierra, un gaucho del norte argentino, se encontraba en su casa descansando después de un arduo dÃa de trabajo, sentado en su sillón favorito y mirando un divertido programa de televisión.
De pronto, Pepe Sierra se encuentra en un lugar desconocido, lleno de luz y bruma, y ante una puerta de gigantes proporciones; no le queda otra opción que golpearla, y al hacerlo, un señor de blanca barba le pregunta:
¿SÃ, hijo? ¿Qué deseas?
Soy Pepe Sierra, estaba descansando en mi casa y de pronto aparezco aquÃ: no tengo idea de lo que pasa.
El misterioso señor le explica que él era San Pedro, que habÃa tenido la mejor de las muertes y que se encontraba ante las puertas del cielo.
San Pedro le pregunta su nombre. Al revisar el gran libro de admisiones, le explica que no está registrado para ingresar al cielo y que deberÃa estar en el purgatorio.
¿Yo, Pepe Sierra en el purgatorio? Si siempre fui un buen padre, un buen marido, un buen hijo, ¿cómo puede ser posible?
Bueno, hijo, puede haber algún error, tú sabes, sólo el jefe es perfecto. ¿Por qué no vas y averiguas?
Pepe Sierra, se encuentra nuevamente en un lugar extraño, ante otra puerta gigante y amarillenta; al golpearla, un extraño señor la da la bienvenida al purgatorio al preguntar:
¿SÃ, hijo? ¿Qué deseas?
Soy Pepe Sierra, estaba descansando en mi casa y de pronto aparecà en el cielo. Ahà me dijeron que no estaba registrado y me mandaron aquÃ, al purgatorio.
Tras revisar su nombre en el gran libro de admisiones, le informa que no está registrado para ingresar al purgatorio y que debe irse al infierno.
¿Yo, Pepe Sierra en el infierno? Si siempre fui un buen padre, un buen marido, un buen hijo, ¿cómo puede ser posible?
Bueno, hijo, puede haber algún error, tú sabes, sólo el jefe es perfecto. ¿Por qué no vas y averiguas?
La entrada al infierno resultó ser un lugar bastante cálido. La decoración de color rojiza, con música ambiental y toda la cosa.
El diablo, al presentarse, le pregunta el objeto de su visita:
Soy Pepe Sierra, estaba descansando en mi casa y de pronto aparecà en el cielo. Ahà me dijeron que no estaba registrado y me mandaron al purgatorio, donde tampoco estaba registrado, y aquà estoy.
Bien, hijo, ¿cómo dijiste que te llamas? A ver, sÃ, efectivamente, aquà estas registrado. bueno, pasa.
¿Yo, Pepe Sierra en el infierno? Si siempre fui un buen padre, un buen marido, un buen hijo… ya pues, don diablo, una manita.
Mira, hijo, a veces hay errores, y como no tengo antecedentes en contra tuya, voy a darte una oportunidad más: te voy a reencarnar.
Al revisar un pergamino, comunica a Pepe Sierra que únicamente quedan dos opciones para su reencarnación: sapo o gallina.
Mmm, en sapo, todo el dÃa mojado, en el barro, comiendo moscas. No, eso no es para mÃ. A ver, en gallina, todo en dÃa echado, descansando, comiendo maÃz, un montón de ñatas alrededor… sÃ, quiero ser gallina.
Sin objetar, y antes de que Pepe Sierra terminare de pensar (buen tipo este don diablo), se encontró en un gallinero.
No pasaron ni dos minutos, cuando un gran gallo se aproximó a Pepe Sierra para darle la bienvenida y explicarle sus obligaciones:
Mira, Pepe Sierra, este es tu corral, no tienes otra obligación que poner 10 huevos cada 24 horas, si no los pones: huuuu, haaaa, toma, toma, huuu (con gestos y todo), y eso dueeeele.
¿Yo, Pepe Sierra, huuuu, haaaa, toma, toma, huuu, contigo? ¡Estás loco, si yo soy todo un machote, 10 huevos no son nada para Pepe Sierra!
Al dÃa siguiente, cuando habÃan transcurrido 10 horas, Pepe Sierra despierta temprano y se da cuenta que ya habÃa puesto un huevo, y sin realizar esfuerzo alguno, lo que le lleva a despreocuparse al extremo.
A las doce en punto, con dos huevos ya en su haber, ve que el gallo se le acerca, lo levanta con una sola ala y revisa su logro:
Bueno, Pepe Sierra, te quedan 10 horas; has puesto 3 huevos, te faltan 7 más, no los pones: huuuu, haaaa, toma, toma, huuu (con gestos y todo), y eso dueeeele.
¿Yo, Pepe Sierra, huuuu, haaaa, toma, toma, huuu, contigo? ¡Estás loco, si yo soy todo un machote, 7 huevos no son nada para Pepe Sierra!
Pasaron 7 horas más, y Pepe Sierra, después de haber dormido una siesta, se da cuenta que tan sólo habÃa puesto 3 huevos más. Le pone empeño y mucho esfuerzo y después de una hora más, logro poner otro huevo. Le faltaban 3 y estaba exhausto.
Cuando habÃan pasado 23 horas, el gallo se acerca a Pepe Sierra lo levanta y verifica que nada más habÃa puesto 8 huevos, y le advierte:
Bueno, Pepe Sierra, te queda 1 hora; has puesto 8 huevos, te faltan 2 más, no los pones: huuuu, haaaa, toma, toma, huuu (con gestos y todo), y eso dueeeele.
¿Yo, Pepe Sierra, huuuu, haaaa, toma, toma, huuu, contigo? ¡Estás loco, si yo soy todo un machote, 2 huevos no son nada para Pepe Sierra!
Faltando 5 minutos para que se cumplieran las 24 horas, nos encontramos con un Pepe Sierra hecho pelotas, sudando y pujando. En eso ve una enorme sombra aproximándose por debajo de la puerta. Pepe Sierra comienza a pujar con toda su alma y, como el mayor placer de su vida, siente como algo brota de entre sus entrañas: ¡sÃ, puso el noveno huevo!
¡Pam!, ve al gallo abrir la puerta vestido de cuero negro, con un látigo en el ala derecha. Sadomasoquista el gallo.
Mientras el gallo se acerca, Pepe Sierra, hace el mayor esfuerzo de su vida: puja, puja, puja. Repentinamente, siente que algo brota, algo está saliendo, le pone más empeño, sÃ, sÃ, está saliendo, lo siente calientito, siente que está brotando, más fuerza, más fuerza, sÃ, sÃÃÃÃ, ¡sÃÃÃÃ! Y en ese increÃble instante, una voz retumba en su cabeza y un empujón lo saca de su éxtasis:
¡Pepe, Pepe, despierta, te estás cagando!
Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, Just think honey, weve been married for 50 years.
Yeah, she replied, Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.
I know, the old man said. We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.
Well, Granny snickered,What do you say…Should we? Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
You know honey, the little old lady breathlessly replied, My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.
I wouldnt be surprised, replied Gramps, Ones in your coffee and the other ones in your oatmeal.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the
time and have the time of your life.
There was a 28 year old son living still at home in this Jewish family – he was very attached to his mother and vice versa. The father was fed up.
The mother went to the Rabbi and asked: What she should do? What will become of my son?
The Rabbi said: Leave out three things on the table tonight and when he comes home, see what he takes. Leave a Ten dollar bill, a Bible and a bottle of Scotch.
She did so and the next day she called the Rabbi and said: He took all three. Whatever will become of him?
To which the Rabbi replied: Oh my! Hell become a Catholic priest!
Why do goalkeepers have more money than football players?
One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked.
Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.
Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife whats in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when hes feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it.
Fair enough, says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.
On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife.
Honey, he says, weve been married for 25 years and I think its time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?
The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex.
I dont care, he tells her. After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!
So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and $34,000 dollars in cash.
Jeez! shouts the surprised husband. Whats going on here? Where did all of this come from?
Well, sweetie, replies the wife, you said we could talk, so Ill tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasnt always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk.
The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, All right, I admit Im not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?
Well, she replies, whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn.
Brought back from the Sudan when it was a one-party dictatorship.
A young man, going to vote for the first time in a national election,
got nervous in the voting booth and mistakenly voted against the ruling
party. When he told his father, the old man ran to the polling place to
try to correct the error that would probably spell doom for the whole
family. Please, you must save us, he told the election officials in a
panic, can the error be changed?
Dont worry, they replied, its already been taken care of.