Old and New Jokes

La profesora de una escuela primaria le pidió a sus alumnos que escribieran una redacción donde fuesen tratados los siguientes temas:

1. Monarquía.

2. Sexo.

3. Religión.

4. Misterio.

Como premio, quien terminara primero, podría salir del colegio una hora antes de la hora de salida.

Habían pasado solamente unos segundos cuando Pepito levantó la mano y dijo que había terminado.

La profesora, sin poder creerlo, le pidió que leyera su trabajo.

Pepito, muy orgulloso se levantó y leyó en voz muy alta:

¡SE COGIERON A LA REINA! ¡DIOS MIO! ¿QUIÉN FUE?

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesnt work that way. We give you a million today, and then youll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If youre not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!

Back 75 years ago everyone rode the trains if they wanted to go somewhere. The ticket was just a little card of a thing, smaller and thicker in weight than a business card. Uncle John, with his brothers Charlie and Dan were taking a trip. In those days men *always* wore hats, not those baseball or gimme cap like men and boys wear today.

It was considered correct to just stick the ticket in the hat-band with the destination showing, and the conductor could later tell the passenger that his station was next.

Sometime during the journey Uncle John, skamp that he was, lifted Uncle Charlies ticket and put it in his own pocket. Later he said to Charlie, Charlie, where is your ticket? All three searched for it, but of course no one found it. So Uncle Johny said, Charlie, you had better hide under the seat and we will sort of cover you with our legs and the conductor will not see you.

So they rode on, Uncles Johny and Dan sitting talking and looking out the window, trying to look innocent when the conductor came through the car. And come he did. He looked at the two passenger and noted that one had two tickets in his hat band, the other one ticket.

Three tickets, but only 2 passangers; where is the other? he asked.

Uncle Johny pointed to Uncle Charlie, hiding under the seat, and said, There he is, my brother Charlie. He likes to ride that way.

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun dont shine. He dropped the horses tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon."Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?""Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin em."

A blonde crashed her car multiple times, and it was covered in dents, so she took it to the garage. The mechanic told her to take the car home and blow into the exhaust pipe so all the air pressure inside the car pushes out the dents in the body work. So she went home, and blew into the exhaust, but nothing happened. Then her friend came and asked her what she was doing. Im inflating the car by blowing in the exhaust pipe to get rid of these dents. Her friend, also a blonde, replied: Duh, youre supposed to wind the windows up first

Why dont [ethnic] women breast feed their children?

It hurts too much when they sterilize the nipples.

Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?

Her dad is getting more dates than she is.

The following coorespondence actually occurred between a London hotels staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have bought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you, S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as your requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid.

Dear Maid,

I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Dial so I wont need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instucted by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didnt remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are also placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Your regular maid, Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A. M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any further complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 A. M. and 5 P. M. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 A. M. and dont get back before 5:30 or 6:00 P. M. Thats the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, kathy has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8:00 A. M. and 5:00 P. M. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-sized Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-sized Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our houskeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I dont want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-sized Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I dont know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I dont know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 staks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not is use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstanding.

S. Berman

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, youll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

11. Dinner Special — Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.00

12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

17. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

18. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

21. Man, honest. Will take anything.

22. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

25. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

26. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

27. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

28. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

29. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

30. Free Beer!!. Tomorrow!

Mario: Do you like ugly, fat women?

Luigi: Of course not.

Mario: You dont? But do you like women with fat, hairy butts?

Luigi: No, not at all.

Mario: Really? And you dont like women with sagging breasts?

Luigi: Absolutely not.

Mario: Why do you sleep with my wife, then?