Old and New Jokes

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
If youre going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!

My mother taught me RELIGION:
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
If you dont straighten up, Im going to knock you into the middle of next week!

My mother taught me LOGIC:
Because I said so, thats why.

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youre in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY:
Keep crying and Ill give you something to cry about.

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
Shut your mouth and eat your supper!

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
Youll sit there til all that spinach is finished.

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room.

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
If Ive told you once, Ive told you a million times – dont exaggerate!

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

My mother taught me about ENVY:
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do!

To be sung to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer

Barney got run over by a tractor

Best of all it happened on TV

All the little children are unhappy

I am just beside myself with glee

He was singing to the kiddies

You Wuv Me and I Wuv You

Now he is just a piece of roadkill

Some furry purple bits of dino-goo.

Chorus

I dont think the children like me

But though I killed him, its not wrong

Were saved from evil propaganda

That purple, nazi mind-controllers gone

Chorus

My trial date is set for Tuesday

I wont get off (so Ive been told)

10 million kiddies saw me do it

And the judge and jury all are six years old …

Okay, everyone… a true story of justice in the good old U.S. of A. Thought
yall might enjoy this; if nothing else, it shows internet justice, if it can
be called that.

On a whim, I decided to visit Hormels main plant, and, after a tour, we were
allowed to taste samples of their various products. And there was one… I
dont think that words can describe how it tasted. It was a meat product, but
to call it meat would not do it justice. The memory of the taste brings tears
to my eyes.

I like to cook in my spare time, so I asked the tour guide if they could give
me the recipe. She frowned, and said, Im afraid not. Well, I said, would
you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, Yes. I asked how
much, and she responded, Two-fifty. I said with approval, just add it to my
tab.

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Hormel and it was $285.00.
I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95 for a couple of tins, and
about $20.00 for an anti-nauseant. As I glanced at the bottom of the
statement, it said, Recipe–$250.00. Boy, was I upset! I called Hormels
Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was two-fifty, and I did
not realize she meant $250.00 for a recipe. I asked them to take back the
recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the
recipes were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of our
delicacies… the bill would stand.

I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money
back. I just said, Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now Im going to have
$250.00 worth of fun. I told her that I was going to see to it that every
gourmet will have a $250.00 recipe from Hormel for nothing. She replied, I
wish you wouldnt do this. I said, Im sorry but this is the only way I feel
I could get even, and I will.

So, here it is, and please pass it on to someone else or run a few copies… I
paid for it; now you can have it for free.

(Trust me; this recipe is so good that you will want to make as much as
you can at once, which is why I list so much. This may be doubled, of
course):
1 pig carcass (all parts that are technically digestible but cant be
used for any other purpose, even hot dogs)
1 gallon castor oil
1 salt lick
1 gallon vomit
16 lbs recycled plastic

The cooking technique is simple. Use a blender, branch shredder, or
anything else handy to shred the carcass, salt, and plastic; mix evenly
in a sufficiently large container. There are a variety of ways to cook
it; in experimenting, I have found the best option to be slow boiling
in motor oil. But the specific method of cooking doesnt matter much;
with such an extraordinary combination of ingredients, nobody will know
the difference. When it is cooked, compress it into small tins (at
Hormel, it came in dark blue tins with four large white or yellow
letters–I wont specify which four letter word, because there are
some people who find it to be more obscene and offensive than a certain
crude word for sex), and open and enjoy at leisure. You dont need to
worry about it spoiling; bacteria wont touch it, and at any rate
there is a specific reason why it cant go bad. Makes at least 112
tins.

Have fun!! This is not a joke — this is a true story. Thats it. Please,
pass it along to everyone you know, single people, mailing lists, etc…

Oh, and one last thing I almost forgot…

I feel a little guilty for presuming to speak about how to best serve a
delicacy so wonderful–the final word must go to gourmets and chefs with a
taste far more refined than mine–but there are a thousand ways in which it
may be served, and, after a little experimenting, I really HAVE to share with
you my personal favorite:

Open one tin; slice thinly. Marinate in pesto sauce, with a touch of
thyme. Roast slowly over an open flame (I have found wood–
preferably oak–to work best), then THROW THE STUPID THING OUT THE
WINDOW AND COOK YOURSELF A STEAK.

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

A: Oh look! Donut seeds!

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says, Well its used to being in its mothers pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in there it will calm down.

She exclaims, Im not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies, Well, why dont you just hold its little nose!

How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner.

Two priests were talking together and the older one said to the younger, You know, when you came into church with all your new ideas, I had questions about how you were going to fit in and how well your ideas were going to work.

When you wanted to put bucket seats down in the front two rows of seats, I had my doubts. But now, at every mass, the seats are filled up with young people, so I have to agree that it was a good idea.

Then, when you wanted to jazz up the choir and we started singing newer, peppier songs, I was afraid it would offend the parishioners. Now we have a lot of new, younger choir members and the music seems to pick up the services a lot more than the old music. So, once again I have to agree that you were right!

But when you wanted to put in the drive-through confessional, I have to admit I thought youd lost it. But now, at least, there are more people coming to confession than ever. I think youve come up with another good idea.

However, the neon sign out front that says Tootn tell or go to hell has to go!

Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to say Excelleeeeeent !

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.