Old and New Jokes

An aging man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didnt have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to his son about it.

He received the reply: For HEAVENS SAKE, Dont dig the garden up, thats where I buried the Guns!!!

At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden, but didnt find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what to do now?

The reply: NOW, just put the potatoes in.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ginny!
Ginny who!
Ginny a kiss!

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

Two old men were sitting on a porch with a hound dog between them. The dog had its leg hiked up and was licking itself. One of the old men said to the other, I sure do wish I could do that.
The other old man said, You better not, that dog will bite you.

What is 3 inches wide, 8 inches long, and hangs in front of an asshole?

Bill Clintons tie

There are 3 ladies on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.



A chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.





A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The chinese lady replied that if she lookod beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first,On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.





An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.



The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.





Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off.





Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the Black Box first.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.



DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you dont especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.



BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.



EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.



EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a womans eyes are not located in her chest.



FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.



INDIFFERENCE – a womans feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as playing hard to get.



INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.



IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.



LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.



NYMPHOMANIAC – a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID – a mans term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.



SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.



NAG – a mans term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gopher!
Gopher who!
Gopher broke!

Do you know why they have a bucket of shit at an [ethnic] wedding?

– To keep the flies off of the bride.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled.
No one answered.
ALL RIGHT, IM GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, IM GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DONT LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?
The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.