Old and New Jokes

A. A rebel without a clue!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!

You know youre ghetto when you carry food stamps in a money clip!

What do you say to a busload of lawyers crashing over a five hundred foot cliff? Got room for one more?

Los cojudos son como los eclipses: hay totales y parciales. Por lo tanto, el cojudo mundial promedio viene a ser la equidistancia razonable entre unos y otros, a los que describiremos a continuación:

Optimista: Cree que no es cojudo.

Pesimista: Cree que sólo él es cojudo.

Telescópico: Desde lejos se le nota lo cojudo.

Fosforescente: Se le nota lo cojudo hasta en la oscuridad.

Aplicado: Se preocupa por aprender cojudeces.

Esférico: Es cojudo por el lado que se mire.

Laborioso: Se pasa el día haciendo cojudeces.

Petulante: Se enorgullece de sus cojudeces.

Enciclopédico: Sabe un montón de cojudeces.

Simpático: Sus cojudeces causan risas.

Literato: Escribe cojudez y media.

Amigable: Tiene puros amigos cojudos.

Campana: Es tan, tan, pero tan cojudo.

Crédulo: Cree en cualquier cojudez.

Consciente: Sabe que es cojudo.

Campeón: Nadie le gana en hacer cojudeces.

De pedigrí: Desciende de cojudos campeones.

Alegre: Se ríe de cualquier cojudez.

Introvertido: A nadie le cuenta sus cojudeces.

Enamorado: Le gusta cualquier cojuda.

Líder: Lo siguen todos los cojudos.

Inútil: Ni las cojudeces las hace bien.

Valiente: Se rompe el alma por cualquier cojudo.

Clandestino: Se esconde para hacer sus cojudeces.

Ambicioso: Sueña con ser un buen cojudo.

Convicto: Esta preso por cojudo.

Hiperactivo: Hace sus cojudeces una tras otra.

Filosófico: Se pregunta el porqué de sus cojudeces.

Políglota: Dice cojudeces en varios idiomas.

Xerox: Se copia las cojudeces de los demás.

Esperanzado: Cree que lo cojudo se le va a quitar.

Ignorante: Todos saben que es cojudo, menos él.

Añejo: Con el tiempo se hace más cojudo.

Insistente: Hace las mismas cojudeces varias veces.

Radiactivo: Irradia lo cojudo por doquier.

De Hierro: No se cansa de hacer cojudeces.

Ecológico: Es cojudo por naturaleza.

Precavido: Es cojudo… por si acaso.

Multifacético: Es el que abarca más de una clasificación.

Curioso: El que lee esta cojudez.

I may be fat but youre ugly, and I can lose weight.

Yo mamas so dumb she thought Master P was a special restroom.

Overheard in a restaurant last night:

An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision
exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor
used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded
to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that shed been hoodwinked.

Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could
not contain her curiosity. How is it that someone with your eyesight can
manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the
plane out to the runway?

Well, says the pilot, its really not very hard. All you have to do is
follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And
besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years.

I can understand that, replies the doctor. But what about the take-off?

Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to
full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!

But once youre aloft?

Oh, everythings fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our
destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty
much flies itself.

But I still dont see how you land!

Oh, thats the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airports radio
beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and
wait for the co-pilot to yell, AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! pull the nose up, and
the plane lands just fine!

Aaron Endelman

One, but it will take 4 episodes.

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend – My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend.

He yelss – Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!