Old and New Jokes

Un tipo pasado de peso había probado todos los métodos habidos y por haber para adelgazar, desde las famosas fajas reductivas hasta los jabones quemagrasa, hasta que un día leyó el siguiente anuncio en el periódico:

¡ADELGACE CON PLACER!

Paquetes:

1.- 10 kilos en cinco días.

2.- 20 kilos en tres días. (No amateurs)

3.- ¡30 kilos en un día! (Sólo profesionales)

El tipo decidió comunicarse al teléfono de la empresa para probar la última moda para adelgazar, y pidió el primer paquete.

Al día siguiente tocaron a su puerta en la mañana y al abrir encontró a una chica con un cuerpazo, en bikini, con zapatitos deportivos y un letrero que decía si me alcanzas, SOY TUYA.

El tipo se puso a corretarla como desesperado por toda la colonia hasta que la alcanzó e hicieron lo que tenían que hacer. Y así durante cinco días.

Al pasar los cinco días, el hombre se pesó en la báscula y sí, definitivamente había bajado 10 kilos. Entonces habló a la compañía y dijo:

Señorita, deseo que me envíe el paquete número dos. ¡Quiero bajar 20 kilos en tres días!

¿Está seguro señor? No es apto para amateurs ni cardiacos.

Sí, señorita. Estoy seguro.

Al día siguiente, en la madrugada, tocaron a su puerta y al abrir se encontró a una mujer escultural totalmente desnuda, excepto por sus zapatitos deportivos y un letrero que decía: Si me alcanzas, SOY TUYA.

El tipo la correteó por toda la ciudad hasta que la alcanzó e hicieron el amor como locos. Y a los tres días… ¡30 kilos menos!

Entonces, el tipo decidió pedir el paquete para profesionales… ¡30 kilos de un jalón! Al día siguiente tocaron a su puerta y el tipo, vestido muy sexy y listo para la acción, abrió la puerta y… se encoontró a UN NEGRO con un cuerpazo tipo Arnold Muchasletras con zapatitos deportivos y un letrero que decía: ¡Si te alcanzo, ERES MIO!

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crews foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, Dont worry, well send some shovels…just lean on each other until they arrive.

yo momma is so dum when shes at a country club they holler hoedown she drops to the ground

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.



The turtles one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.



The bartender looks at the guy and asks:

Whats wrong with your turtle?



Not a thing, the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!

Not a chance!, replies the barkeep.



Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Ill bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.



So the bartender, thinking its an easy $500, agrees.

The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.



Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says –



I WIN… Told you itll be there before your dog!

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, Ill make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, Son, Im real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youve studied your bible diligently, but you didnt get hair cut!



The young man waited a moment and replied, You know dad, Ive been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.



His father replied, Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesnt have all his corn flakes in one box.
The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One Taco short of a Combo Meal.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer!
The cheese slid of his cracker.
Body by Fisher Price, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2 but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldnt pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
Too much yardage between the posts.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimneys clogged.
Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesnt know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesnt go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machines out of thread.
Her antenna doesnt pick up all the channels.
His belt doesnt go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on her remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

(Sung to the tune of a Pink Floyd song.)

We dont need no indirection

We dont need no flow control

No data typing or declarations

Did you leave the lists alone?

Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!

Chorus:

All in all, its just a pure-LISP function call.

All in all, its just a pure-LISP function call.

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,

Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?



The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!



Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,

Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?



The terrified ox stammers, Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!



On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,

Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?



Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like itd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.



The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant –

Just because you dont know the answer, you dont have to get so upset about it!

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other peoples stupidity.

You want to slap the next person who says Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell if its a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe Shallow gene pool should have its own box in the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

You have no life between August to June.

When you mention Vegetables youre not talking about a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

Youve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would Never DREAM of doing your job.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You know you are in for a major project when a parent says I have a great idea Id like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.

You want to choke a person when he or she says Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.

Meeting a childs parent instantly answers the question Why is this kid like this?