Old and New Jokes

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time, which one

gets to the ground first?

Answer: The brunette… the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!

Funniest One Liners
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Im not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever – so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?



The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.



After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.



Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, Do you have anything for this?



The lady looked closely at her and replied, Have you tried Clearasil?

Gravity is because the earth sucks.

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, Ive got trouble down here!""Whats the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine."Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You cant get out of here with an eight iron!"

Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and consists
mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once more, slowly,
dont do these things. If you do, youre a bad, naughty person. Bad person!
Naughty! Naughty, *bad* person! Ok, now that *thats* out of the way, without
further ado…

Post a message asking how to post messages.
Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like
alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of Geek Code, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key,
and your home phone in your signature.
Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a
title such as *** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***
Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers.
Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune for a
poll.
Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the two-strings-go-in-a-bar joke.
Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesnt yet have its
own sex group.
Post your new War Heroes of India FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
Start this weeks new AOL virus rumor.
Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly
1,200 newsgroups of your new HOOTERAMA phone sex service or PorqWhiffe
pheramone cologne.
Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF
agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible
microchips in your genitals.
Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and
selflessly lead others to riches with a few MAKE MONEY FAST posts.
Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable
interchange of provocative ideas.
Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates VISA card number.
Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is
taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their
measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word
imbecile in your followup flames.
Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone
number.
Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.
Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.
Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for really cool nudie pics.
Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the
answers, since you dont read the group.
Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as
abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the
relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers,
such as SoHot4U, SokSnifer, or WetNWild.
Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing someone with
whom you disagree as monkey boy.
Inform the readers of the sex groups that theyre going straight to hell,
and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncles
ex-girlfriends boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.
Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or
sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide
theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.
Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile.
Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly
inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding.
Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury
Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal
Hypnosis ftp archive.
Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a
feeder bar.
Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by
challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the
word vomit.
Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros.
Claim that you can see hidden images in another persons posting when you
cross your eyes.
Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
Accuse female posters of being male.
Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a newbie because their
3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming
the flesh of strangled disabled minors is judgemental.
If youve grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others
of being Nazis.
Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo.
Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and
various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing
arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple.
Insist that theres no such state in the U.S. as New Mexico.
Post only in Esperanto.
Claim a copyright on the word Usenet, and followup with a bill all posts
you encounter that contain it.
Sell posting permits in news.announce.newusers.
Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for
your new band, Death Monkeys.
Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name
such as Robert Bradley Smith, Jr.
In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their
account passwords and credit card numbers.
Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at
least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
List a cute organization name in your header, such as Canadians for Global
Warming.
Insult a poster from another nation based on his countrys performance in
World War II.
Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if
you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in
alt.games.doom.
Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows
the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see
your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment
of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time.
Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line BZZZT!
Wrong answer! or Hello! McFly!
Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
Post to soc.culture.women asking whats your favorite brand of oven mitt,
little ladies?
Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland
willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original
article.
Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange,
non-ASCII characters.
Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their
relevance.
Make it clear from your postings that youve a profound inability to
distinguish The X Files as fiction.
Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show
clear evidence of alien settlements.
Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem
usage in the name of freedom.
Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.
Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.
Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle.
POST IN ALL CAPS
omit all punctuation
omitallspaces
DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE
Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and
Siegels book.
Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the
Classified ATF Secret Hotline.
Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie
musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its
entirety.
Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly
spelled.
Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on
the topic AOL users suck.
Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion
that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it dply offnsiv.
Post to rec.music.misc insisting that Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam
since theyll never tour again.
Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping
lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
Followup another persons posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of
obsessing.
Followup two dozen of another persons posts to accuse them of harassing
you. Send copious e-mail if youre ignored.
Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has
eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether
the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named Bluto or Brutus.

A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of emotions. That first night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue. You were supposed to dress up as an emotion states the doorman. We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion. Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough. The next couple comes up to the door dressed in all red clothing Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!, to which the couple reply, We are, our red clothes symbolize we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple before us in. Again, the doorman agrees to let them in. Then along comes a black guy, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it. The doorman, wide eyed looks at him, Im sorry, but I dont think you have been invited to this dinner. The man responds in a thick Jamaican accent, Actually I was invited!Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion. The black guy says, I *am* in a costume, Im deep in despair!

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:

Youll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:

Youll be making under $7 an hour; well be bankrupt in a year.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:

Once its shared between the higher-ups, there wont be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you; youll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:

Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we havent done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING:

The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. Were just now running the ad.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:

We have a lot of turnover.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:

Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL

We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

CAREER-MINDED:

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:

If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:

Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:

You whine, youre fired.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:

Im usually on Prozac. When Im not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &

ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:

I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:

Ive used Microsoft Office.

IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:

I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:

I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:

I blame others for my mistakes.

IM PERSONABLE:

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

IM WILLING TO RELOCATE:

As I leave San Quentin, anywheres better.

IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:

I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:

Youre probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE:

Ive changed jobs a lot.

IM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:

The minute I find a better job. Im outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:

Im a college drop-out.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:

Wait! Dont throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:

Like, Im gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.Careful … CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! Youre cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? Theyre going to STICK! Careful… CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when youre cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Dont forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!The wife stared at him. What the hell is wrong with you? You think I dont know how to fry a couple of eggs?The husband calmly replied, I wanted to show you what it feels like when Im driving with you in the damn car.

What is the difference between a man and a carp??

One is a scum sucking bottom feeder, and one is a fish!!