Old and New Jokes

Two Nuts Where Walking Down The Street. One Was A Salted!

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughters birthday and he hadnt bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager How much is that new Barbie in the window?

The Manager replied, Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for Rs19.95.. Barbie goes to the Ball for Rs19.95 … Barbie goes shopping for Rs19.95 …Barbie goes to the beach for Rs19.95 …Barbie goes to the Nightclub for Rs19.95.. and Divorced Barbie for Rs375.00.

Why is the Divorced Barbie Rs 375.00, when all the others are Rs19.95? Dad asked surprised.

Divorced Barbie comes with Kens car, Kens House, Kens boat, Kens dog, Kens cat and Kens furniture.

Benjamin Smith was the curator at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, although his primary job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him. Master, the genie began, I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you — you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever. Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny made his three wishes and became tremendously happy. Over the years, Bennys beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch more and more. He tried to ignore it, but the itch constantly became worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn to stay there forever. The moral of the story: A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Okra!
Okra who?
Okra Winfrey!

Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. Lavatory paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and graphics.

4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink? Examples on video.

5. Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Help line and support groups.

6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

10. Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.

11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when youre going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their
names were…

The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, Whoever heard of someone naming
dogs like that?

HELLOOOOOO, answered the blond. Theyre
watch dogs!

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
What the hell do you think youre doing?
Im a chiropractor, and Im just keeping in practice while Im waiting in line.
Well, Im a lawyer, but you dont see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?

A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went
quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking.

The interviewer said, Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking
for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers
off.

Oh, that is no problem, said the man. I stop winking if I take a couple of
aspirin.

Show me, said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of
condoms of every variety – ribbed, flavoured, coloured and everything before he
found the packet of aspirin. He took an aspirin and soon stopped winking.

The interviewer said, I do not think we could employ someone who would be
womanizing all over the country.

Excuse me! exclaimed the man, I am a happily married man, not a womanizer!

Well, how do you explain all the condoms, then? asked the interviewer.

The man replied, Have you ever gone into a drug store, winking, and asked for a
packet of aspirin?

Q: Whats the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: I dont like sprouts !

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

—P. J. ORourke