Old and New Jokes

Wetherns Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

If you throw a kitten out the window does it become Kitty Litter?

The following comes from one the funniest TV shows in the UK, the comedy
sports quiz, They Think Its All Over. Its hosted by Nick Hancock.

In Spain earlier this year, a season ticket holder was refused entry to a
Real Betis home game for the flimsy and pathetic excuse that he was dead.
His family had brought his ashes to the match in a glass container.

Nick Hancocks comment was, Its coming to something when you cant take a
bottle of pop to the game with you.

If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with
the Face you can Rip Right Off, youd better get it. You may
be worried that it might help to encourage your childs
antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen anti-
social tendencies until youve seen a child who is convinced
that he or she did not get the right gift. –Dave Barry

Sometimes people ask me: Dave, what is the essence of
parenthood? I always answer: Lowering your standards. –Dave Barry

It goes without saying that you should never have more
children than you have car windows. –Erma Bombeck

One of my more effective parental strategies is to make Lists of Rules to be Obeyed And I Really Mean it This Time, and post these articles on the refrigerator in the kitchen so my children will have a written record of what they are ignoring. –W. Bruce Cameron

A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be.
–Carolyn Coats

Fatherhood is pretending that the present you love most is
soap-on-a-rope.
–Bill Cosby

There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding
the mouth that bites you. –Peter de Vries

We spend the first twelve months of our childrens lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
–Phyllis Diller

There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.
–R.W. Emerson

Mom will clean up everything. Scientists have proven that a
moms spit is the exact chemical composition of Formula 409.
Moms spit on a Kleenex: You get rust off a bumper with that
thing. –Jeff Foxworthy

When youre a parent youre a prisoner of war. You cant go
anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your
kids. In the old days, babysitters were paid about 50 cents
an hour, and theyd steam clean the carpet and detail your
car. Now theyve got their own union. I couldnt afford it,
so I asked my mother to come over. The sitters called her a
scab and beat her up on the front lawn. –Robert G. Lee

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I dont even want to do anything
that feels GOOD for 36 hours. –Rita Rudner

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is
to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. –Harry Truman

We learn from experience. A man never wakes up his second
baby just to see it smile. –Grace Williams

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
–Unknown

Ahhh Women…

( unknown author )

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess

I have two mounds upon my bodice

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee

I can justify any shopping spree

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon

Can get a massage without a hard on

Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas

Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass

I always save money by using coupons

Can admit to others when I am wrong

Dont drive in circles at any cost

So I dont have to admit when I am lost

Dont act like Im in a timed marathon

Every time I go to the john

Let me tell you men

Listen to me boys

Those things in your pants

That you treat as toys

You love them more then we ever will

We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

I spend two hours preparing for a date

Only to find youre two hours late

I dont watch movies with lots of gore

Dont need instant replay to remember the score

I wont lose my hair

I dont get jock itch

And just cause Im assertive

Dont call me a bitch

I dont wear the same underwear everyday

The food in my fridge has no sign of decay

I dont go to Sears

To look at the tools

I dont cheat at poker

I follow the rules

I dont smoke cigars

Dont pay for drinks at bars

I dont punch my friends just to say Hi

And its O.K. for me to cry

I know all you men

Think that youre IT

But compared to a woman

You just aint shit!

A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?

Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest tits in the world was there. So, instead of saying Id like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said Id like a Picket to Tittsburgh. And then she socked me one.

First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties. But I accidentally said:

You ruined my life you fuckin bitch!

Tommy and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture while mom made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went upstairs, Tommy came downstairs crying.

Whats wrong? His mother said.

Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer! said Tommy.

Well … Tommys mother said, Thats nothing to cry about, daddy will be okay. Its actually kind of funny, I dont know why you didnt laugh when it happened.

Thats the problem, said Tommy through his tears, I did!

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, its his business.

Meloso, el novio le susurra a la novia:

Mi amor, cuando nos casemos te compraré un castillo para tenerte como a una reina.

Arrobada, ella le contesta:

¡Mejor cómprame un manicomio para que me tires como a una loca!

There was a building and the first floor had a pickle store. the second was nothing. the third floor was selling saws.one day a person went out on the porch of the second floor. the third floors manager droped a saw down. the saw cut the persons ass then ass fell into a pickle jar. after a while an old lady bought the pickle jar with the ass inside it.when she went home she ate one. then she ate another one and another and another until the ass. when she ate it she said this one is extra good. she went back to the pickle store she said she will take 20 more jars……especially the ones with the white things inside it…