Old and New Jokes

Q: How many NC State students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three – one to change the bulb, and two to discuss how they did it as well as anyone in Chapel Hill.

You might be a redneck if…
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Three old men stood at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper asked the first man How many times have you cheated on your wife.
The first man said I was married for 50 years and I never cheated on my wife.
The gatekeeper gave the man a Rolls Royce to drive across the bridge into heaven. Then he asked the second man How many times have you cheated on your wife?
The second man said I was married for 50 years and I cheated on my wife one time. So the gatekeeper gave him a Honda and he started off across the bridge into heaven. Then he asked the last man How many times have you cheated on your wife
The last man said I was married for 50 years and I cheated on my wife 5 times.
The gatekeeper gave the man a Pinto and the man started across the bridge.
A while down the road the man in the Pinto and the man in the Honda saw the Rolls Royce pulled off to the side of the road with the driver standing beside it crying. When they pulled over to ask him what was wrong he said:
I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!

Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?

Donna: I dunno. How?

Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.

Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.



The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.



The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.



Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, Shut up! Youre next!

A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000.

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, So what did you do with the money?

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, youll pass eventually. Liz: But Im the examiner!

Knock knock

Whos there?

Stephen Wertheim

Stephen Wertheim who?

Exactly.

—
Sadly, in 5 years nobody will know who Stephen Wertheim was because he has requested tht his obscure political joke be removed from the largest joke repository in the world. Poor career decision, Steve. 😉

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his fathers fault.

4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

8. My son is under the doctors care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.