Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive ?
Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds ?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii ?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes ?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there ?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime ?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations ?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings ?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
Why are there locks on the doors ?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose ?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon,
How do they make Teflon stick to the pan ?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
What would happen ?
If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light,
What happens when you turn on the headlights ?
You know how most packages say Open Here.
What is the protocol if the package says, Open Somewhere Else ?
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM ?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways ?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it;s called cargo ?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
Why cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance ?
Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?
The young man looks at him and says, Im a pilot!
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, What skills to you bring to the Air Force?
The young man says, I chop wood!
Son, the general replies, we dont need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?
I chop wood!
Young man, huffs the general, you are not listening to me, we dont need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!
Well, the young man says, you hired my brother!
Of course we did, says the general, hes a pilot!
The young man rolls his eyes and says, So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!
A young married woman is standing up in court, giving evidence.This man broke into my home at two in the morning! She states.And did he get anything? The judge asks.Yes, She says, I thought it was my husband coming home from the night shift!
Rabri Devi watched her husband Laloo searching high and low, all over the living room.
She asked him: What are you so frantically looking for?
Laloo: Hidden cameras!
Rabri: And what makes you think there are hidden cameras here?
Laloo: Or else, every few minutes, how is that guy on television saying …You are watching the Star World channel? How can he know what I am watching?
Q: What do a Wendys Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named Dave.
Where does George Washington keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!!!!
An Irishmans been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. So, youve been out drinking again!!
What makes you say that? he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.
(best done with exaggerated English & German accents)
An English P.O.W. is in a German hospital with serious injuries. The
doctor comes into his room and says, The news iss bad. Ve are going to
have to amputate your leg. The Brit replies Right then. War is hell and
all that malarkey. But could you ask your commandant if he wouldnt find
it to much of a bother to drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on
his next bombing mission? Off goes the doctor, and with the commandants
permission, they fulfill his request.
A few days later, the doctor returns into his room and says, More bad news.
Ve are going to have to amputate your other leg. The Brit replies Right
then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Could you ask your commandant
if he wouldnt mind terribly if he could drop it over my beloved homeland
when he goes on his next bombing mission? Off goes the doctor, and again
his request is fulfilled.
Another week passes, and the doctor returns to his room and says, Achh! More
bad news. Ve are going to have to amputate your arm. The Brit replies
Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Please do ask your
commandant if he could find the time to drop it over my beloved homeland on
his next bombing mission? Sure enough, it is done.
More time passes, and the doctor once again returns and says, Ze news,
she does not get any better. Ve are going to have to amputate your other
arm! The Brit replies Right then. War is hell and all that malarkey.
It would warm my heart dearly if the commandant could drop it over my
beloved homeland on his next bombing mission. The doctor goes off
and returns with an agitated look on his face. The commandant says NO,
he vill not do ziss for you. He thinks you are trying to escape!
-attributed to Bob
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Resulta que en pleno diluvio universal, el arca de Noé se movÃa para todos lados, y el patriarca Noé no encontraba explicación a ello.
Un dÃa decide ir a visitar la cubierta de los animales, y he ahà el problema: todos los animales hacÃan el amor.
Noé enfadado les grita: ¡paren, esto no puede ser! Les salvo la vida, ¿y es asà como me pagan? Me van a hundir el arca.
Todos los animales lo obedecieron, pero a Noé le dio lástima y les dijo: le daré una ficha a cada pareja, en ella estará el dÃa y la hora en que pueden hacer el amor, si no respetan esto, los tiro por la borda.
Pasaron los dÃas y andaba el mono molestando a la mona; le decÃa: ¡el miércoles a la 4 de la tarde vas a sufrir! Y durante tres dÃas le dijo lo mismo. La mona muy enfadada lo fue a acusar con Noé.
Mira Noé, sabe que el mono hace tres dÃas que me anda molestando. Me dice que el miércoles a las 4 de la tarde voy a sufrir. Yo sé lo que va pasar ese dÃa, ¡pero no puede andar gritándolo por todas partes! ¿Qué van a decir mis amigas?
Noé enojado mandó a buscar al mono y le reclama: ¡mira mono hijo de…! ¿Por qué andas molestando a la mona de esa manera? ¿Qué es eso de que va a sufrir? A ver, dime por qué.
Es que… ¡perdà mi ficha jugando póker con el burro!, contesta el mono.