Old and New Jokes

Un tío y una tía están follando. Al terminar, ella pregunta:

¿Tú no tendrás el SIDA, verdad?

¡Claro que no!

¡Qué bien, porque me jodería cogerlo dos veces en la misma semana!

There was a man, called Paddywhack, who worked in a very prestigious bank. One day a frog came in asking for a car loan. So he gave the frog the loan application papers. As the frog was filling them out, Paddywhack was looking over his shoulder. In the space for Father the frog wrote in Mick Jagger. Paddywhack said nothing. Then he asked the frog if he had enough money for a deposit. The frog said he didnt but produced a strange looking colourful glass sculpture that he said was worth a whole heap of money. Paddywhack said hed have to talk to his boss about this, so he took the forms and the glass sculpture into his boss office. He told his boss about the papers and asked him if he knew what the sculpture was. To which his boss replied,
Its a nic nac Paddywhack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a Rolling Stone!

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.



One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, Wow! I cant believe my eyes! I dont believe this is true! The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, I think youre hallucinating and you should come down right now.



So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.



The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.



The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, You know, weve been on this island for months now without a woman. Its been a long time…do you think we should….you know….. screw her?



The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked…

Out of what?

An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the same lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to his chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeur expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.

Ive got it! said the astronomer. You are bored with driving and Im weary of lecturing. Lets exchange places for one night. It will be a refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out word for word and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway.

The driver agreed and the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night the lecture hall filled to capacity. At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric applause. Then came the question and answer period.

Who discovered Uranus? came from a boy in the front.

Uh… William Herschel. He remembered that from somewhere.

And who discovered Pluto? continued the boy.

Aaaa… that would be Clyde Tombaugh. He had read a little.

Then from the back: Would you please comment on the relative merits of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?

The speaker paused for a moment and then said, I am surprised that you would bother to ask me such a simple question. And to show you how simple it really is, Ill have my chauffeur answer it for you.

Proof by example:
The author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general Proof.

Proof by intimidation:
Trivial.

Proof by vigorous handwaving:
Works well in a classroom or seminar setting.

Proof by cumbersome notation:
Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.

Proof by exhaustion:
An issue or two of a journal devoted to your Proof is useful.

Proof by omission:
The reader may easily supply the details
The other 253 cases are analogous
…

Proof by obfuscation:
A long plotless sequence of true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements.

Proof by wishful citation:
The author cites the negation, converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his claims.

Proof by funding:
How could three different government agencies be wrong?

Proof by eminent authority:
I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.

Proof by personal communication:
Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal communication].

Proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.

Proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.

Proof by importance:
A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question.

Proof by accumulated evidence:
Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.

Proof by cosmology:
The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for Proofs of the existence of God.

Proof by mutual reference:
In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.

Proof by metaProof:
A method is given to construct the desired Proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these techniques.

Proof by picture:
A more convincing form of Proof by example. Combines well with Proof by omission.

Proof by vehement assertion:
It is useful to have some kind of authority relation to the audience.

Proof by ghost reference:
Nothing even remotely resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given.

Proof by forward reference:
Reference is usually to a forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first.

Proof by semantic shift:
Some of the standard but inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result.

Proof by appeal to intuition:
Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.

The vet asked, Is anything happening?

The doctor replied, Mrs. Jones is about due, but I dont think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily.

The vet said, okay and the doctor went on the fishing trip.

When he returned, he called the vet. How did things go while I was gone? Pretty good. Did Mrs. Jones have her baby? Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyones doing fine. Did you have any trouble? Well, there was just one little problem. What was that? I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.

En un apartado pueblito vivía un joven llamado Juañanga que su máxima aspiración era aprender inglés pero sus recursos económicos se lo impedían. Un buen día, sin embargo, se decidió y le dijo a su padre que él iba a estudiar inglés con un método que consistía en subirse a la montaña más alta, con una pequeña radio, para así alcanzar las ondas radiales de otros países y escuchando la pronunciación y modismos de los angloparlantes aprenderlo.

La noticia se propagó por todo el mundo y el apoyo fue incondicional durante el mes que Juañanga estuvo en la alta cordillera, hasta que un día, gente de la CNN dio con la ubicación exacta del esforzado joven, dándose el siguiente diálogo:

Hello, Mr. Juañanga! How you doing?

Gggggzzzzrrrrr Tiiiiiiiiiii Ggggzzzzrr.

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were

a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.



After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled out and was declared the second place finisher.



Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.



When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, I dont want to sound like Im a sore loser, but

I think those two other girls were using their arms.