A young man who had just recently joined the Marines had lost his rifle on the day before a big inspection by a visiting general. However, being very adept at woodcarving, he set about making a replacement. The paint had just dried when it was time for the inspection. He prayed that his fake would not be inspected too closely.
When his platoon was told to fire in unison, he made all the right motions and figured no one would notice, but the visiting general happened to be looking right at him and saw that no smoke came from the gun.
The general came over and said, Soldier, you didnt fire your gun. This is an official inspection. You were to fire the gun and then dismantle it for my personal inspection.
The young man was horror stricken but only for a moment and then he replied, Sir, today is the anniversary of the day that my father died. On his deathbed, he made me promise never to fire a gun on this day. I have kept that oath and I can not fire the gun.
The general was enraged. Im going to inspect that gun and then you, boy, are going to fire it. Thats an order! He reached for the gun.
The young man handed him the gun and said, I pray to the Almighty, Sir, that, for making me break my oath to my dear father, this gun be changed into wood!
Credit: Pam, The joke master.
Posted in Military |
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it.
The librarian says to the other librarian, So here is the person who took our phone book!
Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com
Posted in Blonde |
At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.
13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
Posted in Computer |
Youre so poor I went to your house and asked where the bathroom was and you said, 4th bottle to the left.
Posted in Insults |
How many Mac users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It has to be done by your local authorized dealer.
Posted in Lightbulb |
If I want it, its mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, its mine.
If I can take it away from you, its mine.
If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
If its mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, its mine.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was incarcerated in the state prison.
The first says: Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life.
The second says: Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week.
Oy, says the first woman, You must get such naches from your son.
Posted in Jewish |
Q: What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby?
A: Ask your parents.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
If I were Rockefeller, sighed the Hebrew teacher from Chelm, Id be richer than Rockefeller.
His friend asked, What do you mean? How could you be richer?
Id do a little teaching on the side.
Posted in Jewish |
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
Hi, Sara, is Tony home?
No, Chris, he went to the store.
Well, you mind if I wait?
No, come in.
They sit down and after a few minutes, the friend says You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. Id give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one. Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell — a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 dollar bill on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, Ive just got to see the both of them. Ill give you another 100 bucks if I could see the both of them together.
Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table, then says he cant wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says You know, your weird friend Chris came over.
Tony thinks about this for a second and says Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?
Posted in General / Unsorted |