Old and New Jokes

Pretty funny if you think about it…

What the Doctor saysWhat the Doctor REALLY means
This should be taken care of right away.Id planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
Well see.First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
Let me check your medical history.I want to see if youve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
Why dont we make another appointment later in the week.Im playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
I really cant recommend seeing a chiropractor.I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.

Jim Mullens Hot Sheet – What the country is talking about

{Entertainment Weekly}

December 19, 1998

1. {The Prince of Egypt}. There was an early marketing snag. Moses wanted to be called The Prophet Formerly Known as the Prince of Egypt.

2. {Helen and Anne). Theyre sick of living in the backstabbing, two faced, lying deceitful world of Hollywood. So theyre moving to Washington, DC.

3. {Frank Sinatra}. It turns out the FBI kept a 1300-page file on him. They were this close to finding out about his singing.

4. {Fruitcake Jokes}. They last years longer than Viagra and Monica Lewinsky Jokes.

5. {Jack Frost}. A father dies and comes back as a cuddly snowman. The bad news is, his family moved to Miami.

6. {Kelsey Grammer}. Hes worried a home sex video he made will hurt his career. He should splice it into the middle of {Down Periscope}. No one will ever see it.

7. {Shopping}. A study says going to the mall makes mens blood pressure rise. Did they administer the test in front of Victorias Secret?

8. {Patch Adams}. Robin Williams plays a doctor who believes laughter is the best medicine. So do most HMOs.

9. {Youve got Mail}. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan carry on a romance over the Internet. And we get to watch them type?

10. {Julie Andrews}. {The Sound of Music} star vows her throat problems wont keep her from singing again. It never stopped Bob Dylan.

11. {Stepmom}. Julia Roberts cant seem to get along with her new future stepchildren. Whats her name, and Hey, You!

12. {Seasonal Affective Disorder}. Thats what they called the Depression some people get this time of year. It used to be called, Being Broke.

13. {A Civil Action}. John Travolta plays a lawyer who spends his life savings to help one town. Then he wakes up.

14. {Star Trek: Insurrection}. The crew of the Starship Enterprise saves the entire known universe. For the umpteemth time. Now its Miller Time.

15. {The Faculty}. High school students suspect their teachers are from another planet. No humans would work that hard for that kind of money.

Q. Whats red and has 7 dents?

A. Snow whites cherry

BLOW ME THE QUECHUAN FLUTE: Sóplame la quena.

FOR IF THE FLIES: Por si las moscas.

EYE TO LOUSE: Ojo al piojo.

YOU HAVE ME TIRED; YOU HAVE ME: Me tenés cansado; me tenés.

THE FIFTH LINING OF THE BALLS: El quinto forro de las pelotas.

GO TO KNOW: Andá a saber.

CATCH YOURSELF CATHERINE: Agárrate Catalina.

YOU ARE TICKET: Sos boleta.

LITTLE FEMALE GAUCHOS PACKAGE: Paquete de criollitas.

STAY FLY: Quédate mosca.

I MADE MYSELF THE RAT: Me hice la rata.

THATS MY CHICKEN: Ese es mi pollo.

TO BURY THE SWEET POTATO: Enterrar la batata.

THROW ME THE RUBBER: Tírame la goma.

TO ANOTHER THING BUTTERFLY: A otra cosa mariposa.

LIKE WHO DOESNT WANT THE THING: Como quien no quiere la cosa.

BETWEEN NO MORE AND DRINK A CHAIR: Entre nomás y tome asiento.

I DONT GIVE MORE: No doy más.

HE IS BIGGER BALLED THAN THE PIGEONS: Es más boludo que las palomas.

LITTLE POTATO FOR THE PARROT: Papita pal loro.

NOT TO HUNT ONE: No cazar una.

IT IMPORTS ME A HORN: Me importa un cuerno.

WHAT THREW IT: Que lo tiro.

ITS TO THE ROCKET: Es al cuete.

WHAT A HANDRAIL: Que baranda.

TO SPEND A PERSON: Gastar a una persona.

WE ARE ALL ALIVE: Somos todos vivos.

TO MAKE THE DUCK: Hacer la pata.

TURKEYS AGE: La edad del pavo.

LETS GO YET!: ¡Vamos, todavía!

IT MATTERS ME A WHISTLE: Me importa un pito.

IM MADE BAG: Estoy hecho bolsa.

SEND FRUIT: Mandar fruta.

TO BE A DEAD LITTLE FLY: Ser un mosquita muerta.

ARE YOU DRINKING MY HAIR?: ¿Me estás tomando el pelo.

IT WENT ME LIKE THE ASS: Me fue como el culo.

DONT FORGET HEADS: No se olviden de Cabezas.

IT HAS MY BALLS FILLED: Me tiene las bolas llenas.

DO YOU WANT MORE YELLOW: ¿Quiere más hielo?

YOUR SISTER IS AN IRON: Tu hermana es un fierro.

THE SHELL OF YOUR SISTER: La concha de tu hermana.

HE DOESNT GIVE FOOT WITH BALL: No da pie con bola.

SKULL DONT SHOUT: Calavera no chilla.

TO CRY TO THE CHURCH: A llorar a la iglesia.

TO DO EGG: Hacer huevo.

IT SUCKS ME ONE EGG: Me chupa un huevo.

PUTTING WAS THE GOOSE: Poniendo estaba la gansa.

ITS NOT NESSARY: No es nesario

SUN OF A BEACH: Sol de una playa.

AS BORING AS LICKING A NAIL: Aburrido como chupar un clavo.

BLACK MOTHER FUCKER WAS FUCKED US ALL: Menem.

Un tipo estaba en la sala mirando un partido de fútbol con su inseparable cerveza entre las piernas.

Su hijo quería ver una película que se llamaba Terremoto. Así que el hijo fue a la sala y le dijo a su papá:

Papá, quiero ver Terremoto.

Y el papá le contesta:

¡Qué no te basta con verme repedo!

Talent is the ability to convince people you have it.

Why do fat people hate rolls?

Because they see enough everday when they look in the mirror!

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctors office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, Lady those arent bags, theyre your tits, and if you dont stop turning those screws youre going to have a beard!

Taken from the May/June 1989 Utne Reader, which took this from
Shawn Gosieski, New Cyclist, Fall 1988. (and it has come in from
other sources -ed)

A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market,
riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastery and had dismounted,
the teacher asked the students, Why are you riding your bicycles?

The first student replied, The bicycle is carrying the sack of
potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back! The
teacher praised the first student, You are a smart boy! When you grow
old, you will not walk hunched over like I do.

The second student replied, I love to watch the trees and fields
pass by as I roll down the path! The teacher commended the second student,
Your eyes are open, and you see the world.

The third student replied, When I ride my bicycle, I am content
to chant nam myoho renge kyo. The teacher gave praise to the third student,
Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel.

The fourth student replied, Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony
with all sentient beings. The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth
student, You are riding on the golden path of non-harming.

The fifth student replied, I ride my bicycle to ride my
bicycle. The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said,
I am your student!

His freshman year.