Old and New Jokes

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

A man who can take women or leave them
–

and prefers to do both.

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer.

So she called John, the computer guy, over to her desk. John clicked a few buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, So, what was wrong?

And he replied, It was an ID ten T error.

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judys face. An ID ten T error? Whats that … in case I need to fix it again??

He gave her a grin … 😉 … Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

No, replied Judy.

Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out.

(She wrote…) I D 1 0 T

I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!Great trade!

You own a whole set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip.

Your wife has ever asked you to come move the transmission so that she can take a bath.

You and your dog both used the tree at the corner.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your school fight song is Dueling Banjos.

If you think The Nutcracker is somthing you do off the high dive.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

Your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and theyre only twenty years old.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

You think doctorin involves mammas sewing kit and a jug.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks What do two plus two equal?

The mathematician replies Four.

The interviewer asks Four, exactly? The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says

Yes, four, exactly.

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question What do two plus two equal? The

accountant says On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question What do two plus two equal?

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says What do you want it to equal?

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

Its free, Peter replied, this is Heaven.

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, What are the green fees?

Peters reply, This is heaven, you play for free.

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

How much to eat? asked the old man. Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! Peter replied with some exasperation.

Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, Thats the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, This is all your fault. If it werent for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!

For anyone else who keeps records of the trash posted on these boards.

This is your day





I am posting this from a PC that was confiscated from a user who thought nothing could happen





I bought it for GP (its a pile)



And thanks to my records



More will be available soon





Bobby hasnt posted for a while



They must have been to his door too.

A marine and a sailor are in the bathroom. When they finish, the sailor says,In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands, and the marine says, In the marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands.

People are always coming up to us after shows and asking how we became comedians. None of us has a satisfactory answer, but I believe I have the best of the lot.

I believe that a person becomes a comedian the same way a woman becomes a prostitude. First you do it for fun, then you do it for a few friends, then you think, I might as well get paid for this stuff.

Being a comedian is like being married to a nymphomaniac: its great for about two weeks.

Now I find myself telling people stories, and they give me money. Then a financial advisor tells me stories, and I give him money.

Its a vicious circle.