Old and New Jokes

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South Africa, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. This temple is 1503 years old, replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. Easy, replies the guide, the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago.

An
85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count.
The geezers given a jar and told to bring back a sample.
The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty
jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked
my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
her left — nothing. Then she tried with her mouth,
first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next
door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldnt get
that damn jar open."

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

25. Cover up your mouht before talking to anyone.

Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the
wall.
It read: Pardne waala gadha (one who reads it is an ass)
Santa Sign thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back.
Likhne waala gadha

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, How much for a

beer?

The bartender replies, For you, no charge.

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, Well, Im not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but weve found a cure for them: youll have to be castrated.

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

All right, I guess Ill have the operation, he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a mens shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.

Thats right, exclaimed the man, Howd you know?

Well, when youve been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up, replied the salesman. Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.

Right again, the man said.

The proprietor suggested, And for undershorts, Id say a size 36.

Theres your first mistake, the man said, Ive worn 34s for years.

No, youre a size 36 if Ive ever seen one, said the owner.

The man replied, I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and Ill take 34.

The owner replied, Well all right, if you insist, but theyre going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, Doc, its terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, its odorless and silent, otherwise Id be mortified. For example, Ive passed gas ten times just since weve been talking, but its odorless and silent so you cant tell. The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, Doc, theres been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while its still silent, now it smells terrible!



The doctor says, Well, Im glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now well have to work on your hearing.

404
someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message 404 Not Found, meaning the requested document couldnt be located — Dont bother asking him, hes 404.
Adminisphere
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rack and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. Ask Larry, hes the alpha geek around here.
Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Blamestorming
sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Brain Fart
A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. I know youre busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust? Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Chainsaw consultant
an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
CLM (Career-Limiting Move)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasnt been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
Cube farm
an office filled with cubicles.
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. Ive been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now Ive got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.
Ego surfing
scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to ones own name.
Elvis year
the peak year of somethings popularity — Barney the dinosaurs Elvis year was 1993.
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. Didnt he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Graybar Land
The place you go while youre staring at a computer thats processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering.
Idea hamsters
people who always seem to have their idea generators running .
Its a Feature
From the adage Its not a bug, its a feature. Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque.
Mouse potato
the on-line generations answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond
that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize youve just made a big mistake.
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Prairie dogging
something loud happens in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
SITCOM
stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. Crew and talent are ready…what time do we squirt the bird?
Stress puppy
a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny .
Tourists
those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs — We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists.
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an on-line services rule of conduct. Sorry I couldnt get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.

Adrian: Ill never go moose hunting again.Duane: Why? Was the gun too heavy?Adrian: I didnt mind carrying the big gun, but the 200-pound decoy was a real drag.

• HEADACHES and INCREASED SEX DRIVE:
  Known as getting him all hot and bewildered.

• EXCESSIVE DOMESTICITY and CLUMSINESS:
  Whatever you do, dont dust the knicknacks.

• SENTIMENTALITY and EXTRAVAGANCE:
  This is not the time to shop for Mothers Day.

• SMELL SENSITIVITY and NAUSEA:
  A hundred-foot distance from all Thai restaurants is recommended.

• FOOD BINGING and LACK OF COORDINATION:
  Its hard to stuff your face when you cant find it.

• RINGING IN EARS and PARANOIA:
  No, its NOT the IRS or that nerd from the health club at the door.

• COMPULSIVE SPENDING and INSOMNIA:
  Fortunately, the twenty-four-hour shopper probably cant get much of a wardrobe at 7-Eleven.

• NYMPHOMANIA and POOR JUDGEMENT:
  The only thing worse than taking the consequences is getting a call from one of them.