Old and New Jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few."Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Theirs were still sticking out of the ground."

On the third day I was dust, ordinary common dust like you see on a country road in a dry spell, nothing expected of me, me expecting nothing neither.

On the sixth day he comes along and blows. In my own image too, he says, like he was doing me a favor.

Sometimes I think if hed waited a million years by then Id been tired maybe being dust but after only two, three days, what can you expect? I wasnt used to being dust and he goes and makes me into Man.

He could see right away from the expression on my face I didnt like it so hes going to butter me up. He puts me in this garden only I dont butter.

He brings me all the animals I should give them names What do I know of names? Call it something, he says, anything you want, so I make names up lion, tiger, elephant, giraffe – crazy but thats what he wants.

Im naming animals since 5 AM, in the evening Im tired I go to bed early, in the morning I wake up, there she is sitting by a pool of water admiring herself.

Hello, Adam, she says, Im your mate, Im Eve.

Pleased to meet you, I tell her and we shake hands.

Actually Im not pleased – from time immemorial nothing, now rush, rush, rush; two days ago Im dust, yesterday all day Im naming animals, today I got a mate already.

Also I didnt like the way she looked at me or at herself in the water.

Well, you know what happened, I dont have to tell you, there were all those fruit trees she took a bite, I took a bite, the snake took a bite and quick like a flash – out of the garden.

Now Im not complaining; After all, its his garden, he dont want nobody eating his apples, thats his business.

What irritates me is the nerve of the guy.

I didnt ask him to make me even dust; he could have left me nothing like I was before and such a fuss for one lousy little apple not even ripe (there wasnt much time from Creation, it was still Spring), I didnt ask for Cain, for Abel, I didnt ask for nothing, but anything goes wrong, whos to blame?.. ..Sodom, Gomorrah, Babel, Ararat… me or my kids catch it, … fire, flood, pillar of salt. Be patient, Eve said, a little understanding. Look, he made it was his idea, it breaks down, so hell fix it.

But I told him one day. Youre in too much of a hurry. In six days you make everything there is, you expect it to run smoothly? Somethings always going to happen. If youd a thought first, conceived a plan, consulted a specialist, you wouldnt have so much trouble all the time.

But you cant tell him nothing. He knows it all.

Like I say, he means well but hes a meddler and hes careless. He could have made that woman so she wouldnt bite no apple.

All right, all right, so whats done is done, but all the same, he should have known better, or at least he could have blown on other dust.

Bill and Linda decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. Theres a car being towed from the parking lot, he said. An ambulance just drove by. A few moments passed.

Looks like the Andersons have company, he called out, Matts riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. How do you know that? the startled father asked.

Their kid is standing out on the balcony too, his son replied.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.



Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!, she exclaimed.

No, said the genie, You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.



Lets see, says Monica, I dont need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.



And I dont need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, Ill have all the money I could ever want.



I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, thats it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.



Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?

Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.



What sort of trouble?



Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.



Went away?



They disappeared.



Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?



Nothing.



Nothing?



Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.



Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?



How do I tell?



[Uh-oh. Well, lets give it a try anyway.] Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?



Whats a sea-prompt?



[Uh-huh, thought so. Lets try a different tack.] Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?



There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.



[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/hes kicked out his/her monitors power plug.] Does your monitor have a power indicator?



Whats a monitor?



Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when its on?



I dont know.



Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?



[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] Yes, I think so.



Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.



[pause] Yes, it is.



[Hmm. Well, thats interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I dont want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I dont know what kind of monitor s/he has and its bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?



No.



Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.



[muffled] Okay, here it is.



Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.



[still muffled] I cant reach.



Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?



[clear again] No.



Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?



Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle–its because its dark.



Dark?



Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.



Well, turn on the office light then.



I cant.



No? Why not?



Because theres a power outage.



A power–!?! …[AAAAAAARGH!]



A power outage? Aha! Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?



Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.



Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.



Really? Is it that bad?



Yes, Im afraid it is.



Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?



Tell them youre TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER! [slam]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: Whats with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I dont know, but Ive never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow, arent they?

George: Oh, yes, thats a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: Thats so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if theres anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why cant these guys play at night?

A man is in court. The Judges says,on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?

Guilty, said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted You dirty rat! The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued ….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?

Guilty, said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, You dirty rotten stinking rat!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?

He replied He is my next door neighbor.

The Judge replied, I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments.

The man replied NO, your Honor, you dont understand.

Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didnt have one!!!

Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment.

However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through.

When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since effectively no time passed for him.

Defense stated that the effect was basically the same, since he lost seven years of living in society, or something to that effect.

Both sides called each other names (as lawyers are wont to do).

Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to peer pressure; others said that he simply couldnt resist the temptation.

For his decision, in full, was: A NICHE IN TIME SAVES STEIN. (By Isaac Asimov)

The cartoon characters were playing draw poker between the takes of the epic movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Roger was the big winner but Mickey Mouse and Huckleberry Hound were doing well. Goofy, Casper the Ghost and Donald Duck were losing, when Casper picked up the two, three, four, five and seven of hearts.

He was unable to scare any of the other players into folding their hands as all but Casper drew one or two cards. The bidding on the second round was quite animated as the pot grew to the largest to date.

Casper showed his hand and started to take the pot when Roger put down the King, eight, six, five and three of spades to beat him. The moral of the story: THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING BUT THE FLUSH WAS WEAK.

Received from Stan The Pun Man Kegel.

If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.

Change is inevitable … except from vending machines.

Dont sweat petty things … or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Money cant buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse – itll be a great trade!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.

Everybody repeat after me … We are all individuals.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels arent sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists – they dont expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving definitely isnt for you!