Old and New Jokes

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

Llega un señor a un edificio médico y se dirige al despacho del oculista. Al entrar saca de una bolsa un frasco conteniendo un sorprendente pedazo de mierda.

La recepcionista al ver todo esto se dirige al señor:

Señor, se ha equivocado. El laboratorio está en el tercer piso, aquí es la óptica.

No señorita, estoy en el lugar correcto.

Le aseguro señor, le ayudarán en el tercer piso.

Entonces, ¿ahí me podrán decir porque cada vez que hago uno de estos me salen lágrimas en los ojos?

Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

Excerpted from the book Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest, (c) 1996 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet

In 1990, the [United States] Customs Service launched six helium-filled balloons equipped with surveillance equipment to detect drug smuggling along the Mexican border.

The balloons cost $90 million to build and $30 million to operate during the thirty months in which agents seized only 3000 pounds of marijuana and nine weapons.

Even though this works out to $40000 for each pound of marijuana seized, Sen. Dennis DeConcini (D-Arizona) defended the program by pointing out that the low numbers prove the balloons are deterring smuggling activity.

Sweetest Day is celebrated on the third Saturday in October as a day to make someone happy. It is an occasion which offers all of us an opportunity to remember not only the sick, aged, and orphaned, but also friends, relatives and associates whose helpfulness and kindness we have enjoyed.

SICK MOM

I heard a story about a mother who was sick in bed with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted so much to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she even showed up with a surprise cup of tea.

Why, youre such a sweetheart, the mother said as she drank the tea. I didnt know you even knew how to make tea.

Oh, yes, the little girl replied, I learned by watching you. I put the tea leaves in the pan and then I put in the water, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldnt find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter instead.

You what? the mother choked.

And the little girl said, Oh, dont worry, Mom, I didnt use the new flyswatter. I used the old one.

From: Chuckles of Choice Web Site

Anything that doesnt eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

Gena is such a good wife. Why, just let her husband get home late at night and as soon as he enters the door, he gets his pipe, slippers, pajamas, robe, book, dinner, and if anything else is handy, she heaves that at him, too.

Dear ___________,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the Twelve Days of Christmas, but we have had a little problem up here.

The Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing. The Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids of Milking, and the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation and some dumb-ass has scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

Santa

Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!