Old and New Jokes

Anything that doesnt eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

Gena is such a good wife. Why, just let her husband get home late at night and as soon as he enters the door, he gets his pipe, slippers, pajamas, robe, book, dinner, and if anything else is handy, she heaves that at him, too.

Dear ___________,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the Twelve Days of Christmas, but we have had a little problem up here.

The Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing. The Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids of Milking, and the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge in a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the Gay Liberation and some dumb-ass has scheduled Christmas in Poland for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,

Santa

Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!

A blonde and a brunette were walking along the beach.

The brunette says Gosh, look at all the dead seagulls!



The blonde looks up in the sky and says,Where?

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, I wish you could talk.

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. You can understand what Im saying? asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

Well, did you see this?

Yes, motioned the monkey.

What happened?

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

They were drinking? asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

What else?

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

They were smoking marijuana?

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

What else?

The monkey motioned kissing.

They were kissing, too? asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

Now wait, youre saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.

The monkey shakes his head Yes.

What were you doing during all this?

Driving motioned the monkey.

486
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art
Any computer you cant afford.

Obsolete
Any computer you own.

Microsecond
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G4
Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, four times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.

Syntax Error
Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.

Hard Drive
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI (pronounced gooey)
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Keyboard
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

One day, President Clinton is with his body gaurd Bubba (Big black body gaurd), and they both go into a public bathroom to take a leak.

The President looks over and notices the size of Bubbas cock and asks him how he gets it so big!

So Bubba says that ever night he hits it against the bed post 12 times before he goes to bed. President Clinton cant believe this works, but Bubba assures him it will.

So that night, Hillary is sleeping soundly, and Bill goes up to the bed post and starts wacking it vigorously against the bed post.

Then Hillary wakes up and says Is that you Bubba?