Old and New Jokes

Exerpted from the book Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest: True News of the Worlds Least Competent People,(c) 1996 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet

Women legislators joined the fray at a June 1994 session of Taiwans National Assembly, screaming, trading slaps and kicks, and pulling each others hair.

The violence began when two members of the ruling Nationalist Party poked fun at opposition lawmaker Su Chih-yang after her underwear showed when she sat down.

Nationalist lawmaker Kuo Su-chun berated Su, saying As a woman you should also review your own behavior.

Accusing Kuo of insinuating that she sat immodestly, Su walked to the podium and slapped her. Four other women joined the fracas, and a fifth collapsed from high blood pressure when she tried to stop it.

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer, by kinetic
energy, a portion of the mothers labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor
of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying
that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as
the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead
and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out
the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the
pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and
her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the milkman dead on their porch.

At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each days conferencing.

Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,
in Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.

Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,
In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.

Hans steps up next,
In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Weisen, the real king of beers.

Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.

Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.
Barman, give me a coke with ice please.

The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.

Eventually Bruce asks, Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?

Patrick replies, Well, if you bastards arent drinking, then neither am I

Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.

He looks her up and down and says, Well sure, but it doesnt appear by the your appearance that youll be able to pay for it.



The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what shes got, Will this do? she asks.



The barkeep takes a look and responds, Ya got anything smaller?

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

Don ye worry about it, lad. Well make sure your needs are taken care of.

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldnt go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

Aye, lad, eres ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there youll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think youll find this arrangement satisfactory.

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, Not tonight, laddie; its your turn in the barrel.

As a blonde was driving down the freeway, her car phone rang.

Answering, it, she heard her husbandss voice urgently warning her, Barbie, I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!

Hey! said Barbie, Its not just one car. Its hundreds of them!
The Good, Clean Funnies List: Good, clean funnies five times a week, FOR FREE!

Outside every thin person, there is a fat person trying to get in.

This was posted last year and I havent seen it yet, so I thought I would send it out for those of you who missed it. Sorry, I forgot to save the authors name, etc. (apologies to the author).

As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country.

It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother to the toy department in a big Los Angeles department store. Mother quickly steered Wilbert into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Wilbert was far more interested in the hobby horse.

As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Wilbert vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse. His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Wilbert ignored her. She began to beg; Wilbert paid no attention. She began to make promises of sugarplums, etc., if only Wilbert would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Wilberts mother, Perhaps I can persuade your son to cooperate.

I doubt that, said the mother, but youre welcome to try.

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Wilberts ear. Wilberts eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mothers hand. Together, with no fuss, they left the store.

As they drove home, Mama asked Wilbert what Santa had whispered to him. Wilbert was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and German Chocolate cake) if Wilbert would only tell Mama what Santas words were. Wilbert turned pale and wouldnt utter a word.

What had Santa said? Wilberts mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Wilbert.

She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Wilberts stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Wilbert now answered: He said, Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you dont climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, Im going to kick the living piss out of you!

Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.

Johnny goes to his mother and demands, Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle! To this his mother replies, Yea, right, … Santas not comming to THIS house you little brat, youve stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, youll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal.

Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again… No, that wont work. God will know Im lying. So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, Ill wash Moms dishes for all year… No, that wont work. God will know Im lying. So he tears up this letter and starts again.

Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:

Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas…

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali–Democrats do that.