Old and New Jokes

To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isnt a problem.

What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number Explanation ———- ———–

5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5394 Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timecard

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323) 5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603) 6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

8101 Distributing humorous e-mails

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Mutual Secret
Military Intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
Now, then …
Synthetic natural gas
Jumbo Shrimp
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance

And the Number One Top OXY-Moron

Microsoft Works

One day, Officer Bill is on duty, driving around in his cruiser, when he catches sight of a station wagon that appears to have about two dozen children in the back, all jumping up and down, and waving their arms.

Wondering what is going on, he pulls the guy over, and asks: What are all those kids doing in the back?

Oh, theyre not children, Officer, replies the driver, Theyre some penguins I found the other day. I dont know what to do with then so they have been living with me for the last few days.

Officer Bill is a bit surprised, but manages to come back with: You cant drive around with penguins in the back of your station wagon! I want you to take them to the zoo immediately.

So the guy turns around, and drives off towards the zoo.

Next day, Officer Bill is cruising again, and sees the same station wagon, and as he pulls up closer, he sees that the penguins are still in the back. So he pulls the driver over again and says:

Now, just a minute. I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.

The driver replies: But Officer, I did take them to the zoo. They had such a good time, Im taking them to the movies today.

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: hiss and hearse

(woo-hoo!…that was terrible! 🙂

Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Err. Nahh, its MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. Its a new fangled addition. Its been developed by, er, (etc…)

Pepito, de 5 años, observa a su hermano mayor Arturo, de 19 años, que después de pedir prestado a su padre el auto para esa noche se ponía una combinación deportiva de estreno, se perfumaba y se hacía meticulosamente la raya de su peinado.

Sospechando que se trataba de una aventura, Pepito se esconde en la parte trasera del auto y en absoluto silencio ve como Arturo va hasta una esquina donde le está esperando una bella joven y parte con ella hasta las afueras de la ciudad donde en una zona oscura detiene el vehículo e imperativamente le dice: ¿Sí o No?

La joven, sin pensarlo dos veces, le responde categóricamente: ¡No!, a lo que Arturo indignado le responde: Pues te bajas del auto y te vas caminando para tu casa.

Al día siguiente Pepito toma su triciclo y va a dar la acostumbrada vuelta a la manzana y al pasar frente a casa de Susanita la invita a que se monte en la parte de atrás, a lo que accede la niña y se para en la parte trasera poniendo sus manos sobre los hombros de Pepito.

Al doblar la esquina, Pepito detiene el triciclo y en forma imperativa pregunta a Susanita: ¿Sí o No?, a lo que Susanita rápidamente le resonde: ¡Sí!

Pepito se queda pensando y finalmente le dice a Susanita; Bueno, entonces sigue tú con el triciclo que yo me voy caminando para mi casa.

Están un sacerdote, un naturalista y un vaquero contemplando la majestuosidad del Cañón del Colorado, y dice el primero con expresión de asombro:

¡Qué maravillosa creación del Señor!

El segundo por su parte dice:

¡Qué portentosa obra de la naturaleza!

Y el vaquero:

¡Qué lugar tan jodido para perder una vaca!

An old man goes into the confessional and says to the priest, Father, Im 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them twice.

The priest said: Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?



Never Father, Im Jewish.



So then, why are you telling me?



Im telling everybody.

Neighbor 1: Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.

New Neighbor: Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.

Neighbor 1: So, what is it you do for a living?

New Neighbor: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.

Neighbor 1: Deductive reasoning, whats that?

New Neighbor: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.

Neighbor 1: Thats right.

New Neighbor: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: Right again.

New Neighbor: Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife.

Neighbor 1: Correct.

New Neighbor: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.

Neighbor 1: Yup.

New Neighbor: That is deductive reasoning.

Neighbor 1: Cool.

Later that same day:

Neighbor 1: Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.

Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?

Neighbor 1: Yes, and he has an interesting job.

Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah, what does he do?

Neighbor 1: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.

Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning, what is that?

Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?

Neighbor 2: No.

Neighbor 1: Fag!