Old and New Jokes

Estas son las leyes más importantes que uno debe tomar en cuenta antes, durante y después de que se descomponga la computadora.

BUENOS Y MALOS TRABAJOS

– Para que una computadora haga un trabajo bien tiene que destruir dos trabajos importantes.

– Si no se cuenta con trabajos importantes destruirá dos de los trabajos de mayor tamaño.

– Si no hay trabajos en absoluto destruirá dos de las aplicaciones más importantes.

– Si no hay aplicaciones importantes destruirá la estructura del sistema operativo.

– Si no hay sistema operativo es un televisor, no una computadora.

INTERNET

– La posibilidad de encontrar virus en Internet es la de encontrar bacterias en tu culo.

– La información falsa en Internet se duplica cada segundo que pasa.

a) Hay demasiada información falsa en Internet, pero nosotros creemos que la nuestra siempre es verdadera.

b) Si sigue multiplicándose la información para el año 2010 ninguna búsqueda tendrá sentido.

– Siempre que olvidas la contraseña para entrar a Internet es porque olvidaste dónde demonios dejaste el saco donde guardaste el papel en el que la anotaste.

CAPACIDAD

– La computadora trabaja con los programas como una carreta: mientras tiene cosas mejores y grandes, más huevos te toma levantarla.

FUNCIONAMIENTO

– El funcionamiento de la computadora depende de la fuerza con que le sueltes los porrazos.

– Si la computadora no responde es ya sea porque hiciste algo bien o porque la golpeaste demasiado.

… Y recuerden, la computadora es como una mujer: si le das más y mejores cosas menos caso te va a hacer.

General Motors doesnt have a help line for people who dont know how to drive, because people dont buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did …

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!

HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?

Customer: Whats an ignition?

HelpLine: Its a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it wont go anywhere!

HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty? Customer: Huh? How do I know?

HelpLine: Theres a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from E to F. Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: Its pointing to E. What does that mean?

HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.

Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: Your cars suck!

HelpLine: Whats wrong?

Customer: It crashed, thats what wrong!

HelpLine: What were you doing?

Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it wont start now!

HelpLine: Its your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesnt crash any more!

HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?

Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.

HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?

Customer: How do I work it?

HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Im not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.


Pop, what are you talking about? the son screams.

We cant stand the sight of each other any longer, the old man says. Were sick of each other, and Im sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her, and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, Like heck theyre getting divorced, she shouts, Ill take care of this. She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, You are NOT getting divorced! Dont do a single thing until I get there. Im calling my brother back! , and well both be there tomorrow. Until then, dont do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. Okay, he says, Theyre coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Why dont you just let us take out the socket ? You arent using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.

What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess and a
computer?

A computer that never goes down on you.

None. Its much easier to cry in the dark.

I clean my house according to some simple principles that are easy to remember:

If you have just stepped on something and danced around in pain until you slipped on a magazine, it is probably time to pick up again.

If you find your scissors by feeling around your dining room table until you feel something hard of the correct shape, its time to clear off a few things.

If you need a gas mask to open your fridge, you might think about throwing away some of those leftovers.

If you drop your comb in the bathroom and you pick it up with more hair than is currently attached to your head, its time to sweep.

If the neighbors are circulating a petition about the state of your yard, you might consider cutting the grass – but only if youve failed to buy them off with a doll dress or two.

When sorting newspaper, ask yourself if anyone asked for it in the last six months (or the last time you sorted, whichever comes later). If no one has, throw it out.

If your feet stick walking across the kitchen floor, its time to mop.

If it takes more than 20 minutes to find your kids when you wake them up in the morning, its time to have them clean their rooms – use new doll dresses or Power Ranger stuff as incentives.

If you havent seen the floor of your car for a week because of the Happy Meal litter on the floor and wash me is written in the dust on the outside of the car, its time to take the hint.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?


A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Seen on a parking space in a churchs parking lot in Edinburgh, IN

Clergy parking only – you park, you preach!