486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art: Any computer you cant afford.Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago. Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey) Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you cant take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, Hold on, you cant bring that in here! But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, Youre right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but Im supposed to check its contents before letting it through.
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!!!
2 of the queens corgies were having a chat in the garden.
one said to the other its a shame the queen mum is dead
the other replied im glad shes gone
why is that then
coz we wont get the blame for pissing on the couch anymore.
The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the
doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks…well, needy.
Can I help you? the Madam asks. I want Natalie, the old man replies. Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else…?
No. I want Natalie.
Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.
The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie
explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $ 1,000 for one hour. But once again, he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.
When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room, they go. At the end of the hour, Natalie decides to question the old man. Im not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Do you mind if I ask where youre from?
I am from Minsk.
Really, replies Natalie I have a sister who lives there.
I know, says the old man. She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Howard!
Howard who?
Howard like to be outside for a change?
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
Best friends, Vinnie and Hank, are in their local bar, having a few drinks. Vinnie leans over and starts stroking Hanks beard. Vinnie says, Your face feels just like my wifes pussy.
Hank strokes it himself and says, Ya, youre right!
One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up “Man I really need a drink!†in response David replied, “You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.†“Really?†said Jim “That’s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?†Said David “Sure, hell I’ll try anything once!†Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. “Wow!!†He said. About that time his telephone rang. “Hello?†Jim Said “Hello Jim? Came the reply “This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?†Jim said “Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you?†David replied†Me too man, but I have one question for you.†Jim said, “Sure man what is it†“Have you farted yet man?†Jim said “Ummmmm No. Why?†“Man don’t. I’m in Phoenix!â€.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
Woman …
Shes an angel in truth, a demon in fiction.
A womans the greatest of all contradiction.
Shell scream at a cockroach and faint at a mouse,
then tackle a husband as big as a house.
Shell take him for better, shell take him for worse.
Shell split his head open, and then be his nurse.
And when he is well and can get out of bed,
shell pick up a teapot to throw at his head.
You fancy shes this, but you find that shes that;
for she plays like a kitten and fights like a cat.
In the evenings she will, in the mornings she wont
and youre always expecting that she does when she dont.
— author unknown