Old and New Jokes

Un chico iba a pasar la noche en casa de su novia. Naturalmente, el padre de ésta desconfiaba del muchacho, por lo que le dice a su hija:

Mija, ya sabes que no confío en tu novio en lo más mínimo y si intenta hacerte algo, no dudes en pedir mi ayuda. Si te toca la vagina gritas: ¡Patatas, patatas! Si te toca las tetas gritas: ¡Cebollas, cebollas! Si te lo mete gritas: ¡Lechugas, lechugas! Si te sodomiza gritas: ¡Zanahorias, zanahorias! Y si te pide que se lo chupes gritas: ¡Perejiles, perejiles! Y yo iré corriendo en tu ayuda, ¿está claro, mija?

La chica accede a la petición de su padre y todos se van a dormir. A las 12 de la noche despierta el padre al oir que su hija grita:

¡Ensalada, ensalada, ensaladaaaaaaaaa!

Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?

Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.

Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmno_qrstuvwxyz.

Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but wheres the p?

Malcolm: Miss, its running down my leg!

A: Elephino.

How was copper wire invented?

Two Jews were fighting over a penny!

In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.

Three icehockey fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and
propriety, the Jokerit fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The TPS fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their
lead, the HIFK fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Jokerit cap, replaced it, and wrote down
some notes. Next, he lifted the TPS cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more
notes. The officer then lifted the HIFK cap, replaced it, then lifted it again,
replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The HIFK fan was getting upset and finally asked, What are you, a pervert or
something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?

Well, said the officer. I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a
HIFK hat, I find an asshole.

Doctor, said the patient, I had a peculiar dream last night. I dreamed you were my mother.

So? said the psychiatrist. What happened?

Nothing – I woke up

And then?

I had breakfast

And what did you have for breakfast?

Oh, just a piece of toast and a cup of coffee

Call that a breakfast? said the psyciatrist.

Little miss muffet… sat on her tuffet… eating her kurds and way.
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and said: hey, whats
in the bowl bitch?!

A blonde is walking down the street and searching through her purse for a lipstick.

She doesnt notice when her mirror falls to the ground. A man walking behind her picks it up and taps her on the shoulder.

Excuse me, Miss. This looks familiar, dont you think?

The blonde looks at the mirror and says, Of course! Its me!

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, Im so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!

The second says, Well Im so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!

Then the third rat gets up and says, Later guys, Im off home to harass the cat.