Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

A man spoke frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart! Is this her first child? the doctor asked. No, you idiot! the man shouted. This is her husband!

Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.

Rhodes Corollary To Hoares Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free.

A man and his wife were traveling in Texas. A highway patrolman pulled the man over for speeding. The cop came up to the car and asked to see the mans license. The wife who was hard of hearing said, whatd he say? He said he wanted to see my license. The cop said youre from Ohio. The wife said whatd he say. The husband said I see youre from Ohio. The cop said the worst pussy he ever got was from a girl from Ohio. The wife said whatd he say. The husband said the cop thinks he knows you.

Did you see Monica Lewinsky had an advertisement with a white ring around
her mouth?

It said, Not Milk

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.

Quasimodo advertises for a man to ring the bells. The next morning, a fellow comes in with no arms. Are you kidding? say Quasimodo. Im serious, the man says. Please, just give me a chance. Fine, says Quasimodo. Ring the bells. After all, who is Quasimodo to discriminate against the handicapped? The man runs up the stairs, takes a flying leap, rings one of the bells with his head—boing!—and collapses in a heap. Then he picks himself up, runs up the stairs again, and rings a different bell—boing! On the third try, however, he misses the bell completely, flies out the window, and falls on the ground, dead. Immediately, a crowd gathers around the body. When Quasimodo comes out, they say to him, Who was this man? I never knew his name, he replies, but his face rang a bell. The following day another man applies for the job, and he, too, has no arms. I had a guy come in yesterday, looked just like you, says Quasimodo. I know, says the man, he was my brother. Listen, this is a very dangerous job for a man with no arms, says Quasimodo. After what happened yesterday, I think you should go home. But the man refuses to leave, and eventually Quasimodo gives in and allows him to ring the bells. But exactly the same thing happens: the first two attempts are fine, but on the third try, he, too, goes flying out the window and falls dead on the ground. When Quasimodo comes out, they say, Who was *this* man? I never knew his name, comes the reply, but hes a dead ringer for his brother.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter.
What are you doing? she asked.
Hunting flies, he responded.
Oh. Killing any? she asked.
Yep! Three males and two females, he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell them apart?
He responded, 3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone.

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. Ive got some good news and some bad news, God said.

Adam looked at God and said, Well, give me the good news first.

Smiling, God explained, Ive got two new organs for you.

One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.

The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?

God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time.