Old and New Jokes

Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.

Did you hear about the FedEx-UPS merger? The new companys gonna be called FedUp!

Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were travelling by
a private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting,
This plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are
five of us in the plane. Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am
taking one parachute and getting out of here. Saying this he rushed to the
luggage area grabbed one parachute and jumped offthe plane.
Sonia Gandhi said, Since I am the future Prime Minister of India I am very
important and have to live! She also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
Laloo Yadav said, I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest
politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this country,
and the most intelligent person must live! Saying so Laloo went to the luggage
area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
The old saint said to the school boy, There is only one parachute left,
and there are two of us. I am an old man and dont need to live
any more. You take the last parachute and jump.The school boy said,
Dont worry! There are still two parachutes left with us!
The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my school bag!

14. You no longer think its strange to hear a truck playing Beethovens Fur Elise while its backing up.

13. You catch yourself subconsciously bowing to the neighborhood cat.

12. You think that Christmas has four syllables.

11. You start falling in love with the voice recording on the ATM machine, though you have no idea what shes saying.

10. $15.72 a person sounds like a great deal for a movie, even if you do have to stand up.

9. You run into a store and leave your scooter outside on the curb with the key inserted and the motor running.

8. You start buying Carpenters CD singles — and REALLY enjoying them!

7. You look forward to next months TV CM (Commercial) Image Song Perfect Collection CD.

6. You cant eat a Hamburger without green tea and miso soup.

5. You order a pizza and ask for raw tuna, extra octopus.

4. You cant take a walk on even the shortest nature trail without first suiting up in a full yodeling outfit and stuffing a backpack full of rice balls
and sake.

3. You keep telling anyone who will listen that Sumo on TV is nothing like the real thing live and up close.

2. You dont feel ripped off when you find a coin-operated TV in your $80/night business hotel cubicle.

1. You can instantly tell a kids age by looking at his or her uniform.

NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed.

One day, they realised they hadnt invited anyone from the clergy so they invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.

Upon their return, they were asked to go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the experience.

The priest came into the room with a smile on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. Im truly in awe.

But the rabbi came into the room completely dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.

He threw his hands in the air and said, Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv…. Oy Gevalt.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her shes pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?
A: Is it mine?

Whats a blondes idea of safe sex? Turning off the car!

A guy took his girl out parking in his 4-wheel drive truck, but couldnt
convince her to make it because she was afraid that someone would see
them. Finally he hit on the great idea that they could do it under the
truck where they couldnt be seen. This seemed to be OK with the girl,
so they really went at it under the truck. Soon a policeman tapped the
man on the shoulder and said, Hey, what are you doing? Our hero never
looked up and said, Im fixing the transmission.

Well said the cop,
I think you had better fix your brakes too, because your truck is at the
bottom of the hill!

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

Youve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetary. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing, Well, you havent used the gift I gave you last year.