Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they werent mine!
The second says, My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!
The third woman fainted.
(Thanks go to Yong Park for this one.)
Seth I. Rich
Un policÃa transita por la avenida Libertador de Caracas y ve que hay dos locas sentadas en un muro, el policÃa se detiene y les dice:
¡Hey, ustedes, bájense de allÃ!
Las locas se bajan y el policÃa les pregunta:
¿Y ustedes quienes son?
¡Ay! ¿No te acuerdas? ¡Las del muro!
Pepito y su novia estaban sentados en la banca de un parque, cerca de la casa de ella, cuando la muchacha se da cuenta que una pareja de perros están apareándose. La joven, sorprendida por lo que ve, le pregunta a Pepito:
Amorcito, ¿qué es lo que están haciendo esos perritos?
Pepito la mira intrigado y responde:
En verdad, ¿no sabes qué es lo que hacen?
No, le contesta con inocencia.
Y Pepito, que no desperdicia una oportunidad, le pregunta:
¿Quieres que te enseñe?
Claro, contestó ella confiando en él.
Bueno, para empezar bájese los calzoncitos.
Se los baja, al tiempo que cuestiona:
¿Y ahora, qué?
Ahora súbase la enagüita.
La muchacha se la sube:
¿Y ahora, qué?
¡Ahora, agáchese y haga que está orinando por que ahà viene su papá!
Unos abuelos se quedan unos dÃas con sus dos nietos adolescentes y, como sólo disponen de dos camas, deciden que la chica duerma con la abuela y el chico con el abuelo. De madrugada se oye al abuelo gritar muy contento:
¡Quiero una mujer! ¡Quiero una mujer!
La abuela se levanta para ver que ocurre; al entrar en la habitación, su nieto le solicita:
¡Por favor, abuela, dile que lo que tiene en la mano, no es de él!
Va un loro con su amo por la calle y de repente pasa un señor y pregunta:
Disculpe, ¿el animal habla?
A lo que el loro responde:
No, señor.
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He notices a foot-tall piano player playing up a storm.
Man: Hey, this guys really good! Whered you get him?
Barkeep: Oh, I have a magic lamp that gives me anything I want.
Man: Can I try?
Barkeep: Sure just rub it and say what you want.
Man (rubbing the lamp): I wish for ten thousand bucks.
* Ten thousand ducks appear *
Man: What the hell happened? I asked for 10,000 BUCKS, not DUCKS!
Barkeep: Think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?
Q. Why did the snooker player go to the toilet?
A. To pot the brown.
Now that Im older…..heres what Ive discovered…..
I started out with nothing..I still have most of it. When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran? I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I dont remember being absent-minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The first rule of holes:= If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though. It was all so different before everything changed. Some days youre the dog; some days youre the hydrant. Nostalgia isnt what it used to be. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few…. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Its not the pace of life that concerns me, its the sudden stop at the end. Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if youre in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. When youre finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Its not hard to meet expenses…theyre everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her to shut up twice.
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard shes thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, shes pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says hell be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
Look… lie here on the bed — youll be thrown right to the floor!
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. What, he says, are you doing here!?!
The manager calmly replies, Would you believe Im waiting for a train?