Old and New Jokes

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

until daughters are born.

Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds.

MS-AAA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even call.

Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.

Sure, you *own* the car — but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to drive it.

Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself.

Crowby, the annoying, animated crowbar, keeps changing the radio station.

It doesnt matter how good it is, those techno-snobs with the free Linux cars always look down on you.

Its a royal pain to try to pull into a non-Microsoft gas station.

Now only takes THREE MINUTES to start.

Whenever you leave your driveway, the little paperclip guy jumps out of the glove box and says, It looks like youre going to work! Can I help?

You have to reinstall the entire engine once a month.

After putting it in park, it shakes and rattles for a couple minutes before you finally get the signal that its safe to turn off the engine.

Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can easily gain entry by simply using the door handles.

You cant lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.

You have to pull to the side of the road, turn off and restart the engine whenever you change CDs.

Let a pig and a boy have everything they want, and youll get a good pig and a bad boy.

A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy.



They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guys pie and ate it down.





Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left.





One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didnt say a word! He sure aint much of a man!





The waitress turned to them and said, He aint much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. I cant, dear, she said. I have to sleep in Daddys room.

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: That big sissy.

Recently, somewhere in the US a teacher gave his class a not-too-kosher maths test which landed him in the proverbial soup. The original was edited and given to the class in all seriousness (I think). But there was some logical reasoning behind it!

Many people claim the reason innner city students do poorly on standardized tests is because the tests are culturally biased as part of an evil white surburbanite plan. This is of course a much more likely explanation than the idea that drugs, running gun battles and teen pregnancy are disruptive to education.

So, heres a culturally normalized standard test.

City of East Los Angeles

High School Math Proficiency Final Exam

Name:____________

Alias:____________

Gang:____________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots, and he shoots 13 times at every drive by shooting, how may drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Ricky for $320 and 2 grams to D.J. for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesnt cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If his price is $65 per fuck, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound pound of heroin and make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for stealing a Chevy, and $200 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs and 3 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $1000?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Tagger spray if he steals 3 cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?
8. Hector has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $235 per month rent goes up 15%, how many children should she have to keep up with expenses?
10. Salvator was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose for jumping bail?

So, how did you do?

One thing I still cant figure out though is how a South African from the far corner of Earth with no telephone or television knows about Indy Car (which is only popular in the US) and can use miles per hour (we use kph here) whereas some SuperCitizens dont know about Formula One (Nigel Mansell won back to back F1 and Indy Car championships – the Indy Car was won in his rookie year!!) and may not know what kph stands for.

Yes ladies and gentlemen Canada is north, and Mexico is south, but east and west there *are* other people, cultures, countries and other interesting thing that werent made in America.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Any wire cut to length will be too short.

A sardarji was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said DISNEYLAND LEFT.After thinking for a minute, he said to himself oh well ! and turned around and drove home. On his way home the same surd drove past another sign that said CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES. By the time he drove eight miles, he had cleaned 43 restrooms.