Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jacks mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but Im recently widowed, she explained. Im afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house. Dont worry, Jack said, well be happy to sleep In the barn. And if the weather breaks, well be gone at first light. The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North? Yes, I do. Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and go up to the house to pay her a visit? Yes, Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. I have to admit that I did. And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name? Bobs face turned red and he said, Yeah, sorry, buddy. Im afraid I did. Why do you ask? She just died and left me everything.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Montana!
Montana who?
Montana your hide if she finds out you ate all of the cookies!
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.
After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food.
After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, Mate, that was the best steak Ive ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him.
No problem, says the barman. Hes upstairs with my wife. Whats he doing upstairs with your wife? asks the man.
Probably the same thing Im doing to his business down here!
HUSBAND: luv can u see that honey
WIFE: what honey?
HUSBAND: cup of tea with 2 sugars please.
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of
real property (hereinafter the House) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including,
but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney
in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick AKA/St. Nicholas AKA/Santa Claus
(hereinafter Claus) would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual
beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery
treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and
otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as I), being the
joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter Mamma),
and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad
in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property
adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature,
cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the
House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief,
a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the Vehicle) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the
air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact
was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8)
reindeer and specifically identified
A little black boy is in the kitchen when his black mother is baking. The black child puts his hands in the flour and rubs it all over his face. He looks at his black mom and says, Look mamma, I am a white boy!
His black mother slaps him and tells him to show his black father, and the black boy says Look daddy, I am a whiteboy!
The black father slaps his son and sends him to his black grandmother. Before he talks she slaps him too!
He goes down to his black mother and she says, Now what did you learn from all of this?
The black boy responds: I have been white for five minutes and I already hate you damn blacks!
This ethnically disadvantaged male person goes into the travel agency and proclaims, Ive seen your ad about a $99.00 trip to Hawaii, and Id like to go.
The travel agent says, Listen, friend, this is my first day here, but I know about all the details of that crumby $99.00 offer, and believe me, you DONT want it. Take the next best offer, which is only $1,399.00.
Oh, no you dont, says the Polak, youre not going to catch ME with that bait and switch. The ad says $99.00 to Hawaii, and THATs what I want.
Okay, says the agent, who takes a baseball bat from under the desk and hits the Polak in the head. The Polak wakes up a few hours later, on a raft out in the Pacific Ocean!
He looks around, and theres NOTHING, only he and another Polak on the raft.
What are we going to do? cries our hero, surely theyll send a ship for us.
I dont think so, responds his new-found travelling companion, they didnt LAST YEAR.
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex.
When he got home he couldnt tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as hes only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor
malady.
For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both
staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every
order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a
private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the
light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities
interfered with his rest… and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. Time to take your temperature,
General.
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the
thermometer.
Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other
end.
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent
that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last
rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly
then told the general, Stay exactly like that and dont move. Ill be back
in five minutes to check up on you. and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his
bare rear in the air and gasped, Whats going on here?
Havent you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? the general
barked.
Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?
Bill Mullaney
Hewlett-Packard
Yo mamas so stupid, she thought that wu-tang was a japanese orange drink.