Old and New Jokes

A dumb blonde walking along, lost, encountered a deep and wide river. She looked up and down that river and could not see a way across. She looked to the other side and saw another blonde on the opposite river bank and called out to her.

How can I get to the other side of the river?



The other blonde repliedWhat for you are already on the other side of the river!

Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.

Florida to Be Readmitted to Union

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were Just For Fun

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. This Is True Love, He Beams.

President Bonecrusher Jones to Face Chief Justice Mad Dog Ortega In Cage Match

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

Younger Generations Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasnt the Cigarettes – It Was the Ashtrays

Apparently a computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.

Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Daleks dont change light bulbs, they level the building.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it cant be fried in bacon grease, it aint worth cooking, let alone eating.

2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we cant stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Dont try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

4. Dont be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

5. Remember: Yall is singular.

6. All yall is plural. All yalls is plural possessive.

7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

8. People walk slower here.

9. Dont be worried that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you either.

10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective Big ol, as in big ol truck or big ol boy. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

12. He needed killin is a valid defense here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, Hey, yall, watch this! stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their cars windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something youre supposed to do.

19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, youre better off trying to find it yourself.

You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and are arrested for stealing food stamps.

The most effective way to remember your wifes birthday is to forget
it once.

All Purpose Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever theres a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. Youll be surprised how effective this form can be!

Dear

Mom
Dad
love of my life
Assistant Principal
Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

Car
House
Pet
Espresso maker
Left arm

was severely damaged by my

infantile
puerile
inept
comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
woefully under appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the

car
jet ski
large helium balloon
rodent driven sledge
Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

house
wife
Cub Scout troop
1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch
priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

imagine
fathom
comprehend
appreciate
pay for

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

hate me
sue me
spank me
take my firstborn
gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond

but I ask you to remember all the good times weve had, joking around at

school
work
church
the bowling alley
the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

friend
child
sibling
lease co-signer
only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

was so stupid
was so silly
would have been funny if it worked
you would have done, if you had thought of it first
Im going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,
Me

Sweet Cravings: Not only does it clean out the Cookies folder, but it orders pints of Ben and Jerrys from Kozmo.com when youre not there.
Morning Sickness: Hard drive makes retching sounds every a.m. and then crashes.
Temper, Temper: Error messages change from warnings such as Unexpected Application Error to What the Hell Do You Think Youre Doing?
Party Time: Windows Registry throws a baby shower.
May I Help You?: Perky, animated paper clip changes to a perky, animated diaper pin.
Pastel PC: Desktop is redecorated in blue and pink tones.
Growing Pains: Unidentified file in Config folder keeps getting bigger every day.
Times Up: Biological clock in lower right-hand corner finally stops ticking.
Child-Bearing Hips: Windows PC starts to look suspiciously like an oh-so-rounded iMac.
New Operating System: OS/Gyn.

(From CNET – 31 Aug 2000)