Old and New Jokes

Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.

Diet for Stress Hows your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on… This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk

Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories dont count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of ones personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone elses plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Silent Cal Coolidge may have been the least voluble of all U.S. presidents.

He was very well known to be a man of few words.

Once, a reporter said to him: I have a wager on with the boys back at the paper, who bet me I couldnt get you to say three words to me!

Coolidge replied: You lose.

Geekonics

By John Woestendiek

Philadelphia Inquirer

Wed., January 8, 1997

NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or Geekonics, as a second language.

The historic vote on Geekonics — a combination of the word geek and the word phonics — came just weeks after the Oakland school board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language.

This entirely reconfigures our parameters, Milton Floppy Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics.

No longer are we preformatted for failure, Macintosh said during a celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close to smiling. Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity.

Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was spawned in Californias Silicon Valley, where many children have grown up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers,

engineers and scientists who have lost ability to speak plain English and have inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular to their children.

HELPING THE TRANSITION

While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the transition to standard English. Those students, in turn, could possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that would lead listeners to believe that they have actual blood coursing through their veins.

Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we cant download the data we need to modulate our oral output, Macintosh said.

The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a growing awareness of our nations lingual diversity, experts say. Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars to be declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in the right direction.

This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing, like, ever, said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in Southern California. I mean, like, you know? she added.

THEYRE HAPPY IN DIXIE

Yeee-hah, said Buford Kudzu Davis, president of the Dixionics Coalition. Yall gotta know Im as happy as a tick on a sleeping bloodhound about this. We could be fartin thru silk perty soon.

Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics – including Alabonics, Tennesonics and Louisionics — also said they approved of the decision.

Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon Task Force on Bureaucratonics said that his organization would not comment on the San Jose vote until it convened a summit meeting, studied the impact, assessed the feasibility, finalized a report and drafted a comprehensive action plan, which, once it clears the appropriate subcommittees and is voted on, will be made public to those who submit the proper information-request forms.

Proponents of Ebonics heartily endorsed the designation of Geekonics as an official language.

I aint got no problem wif it, said Earl E. Byrd, president of the Ebonics Institute. You ever try talkin wif wunna dem computer dudes? Dont matter if it be a white computer dude or a black computer dude; its like you be talkin to a robot — RAM, DOS, undelete, MegaHertZ. Aint nobody understands. But dey keep talkin anyway. Sup wif dat?

Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that only by enacting many different English languages, in addition to all the foreign ones practiced here, can we all end up happily speaking the same boring one, becoming a nation that is both unified in its diversity, and diversified in its unity.

Others say that makes no sense at all. In any language.

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.When you are counting objects, you go 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D….When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.When your wife says If you dont turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number…When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that youre doing the math in octal.When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

Youve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.

You can chew your own toenails.

Youve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, Lets name our Larrys after a soda pop, because Im tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry.

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, Okay then, Im gonna name my Larry 7-Up because he has 7 inches and its always up!

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, Im gonna name my Larry Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week.

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, You know, those two Larrys were good, but Im gonna name my Larry, Jack Daniels.

The other two ladies shout in unison, Jack Daniels? Thats not a soda pop… thats a hard liquor!

The third lady bursts out, Thats my Larry!!

Its difficult to work in a group when youre omnipotent.

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, Well, youve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.

Davidson thinks about it and says, I wanna hang out with God, Himself.

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, Hey, arent you the inventor of Woman?

God says, Ah, yes.

Well, says Davidson, You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. Theres too much front end protrusion.

2. It chatters at high speeds.

3. The rear end wobbles too much, and

4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

Hmmm… replies God, hold on.

God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

It may be that my invention is flawed, God replies to Arthur Davidson, but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours!

One night this boy named jacob had brung a girl over named jessica. jacob had a brother the two brothers slept in bunck beds the smaller boy slept on the bottom.jessica and jacob both wanted to have sex but didnt want the little boy to know.so,jacob said to jessica to say lettuce if she wants it harder and tamato if she wants it softer.All you could here was lettuce,tomato,lettuce,tomato,lettuce,tomato!


the little boy at the bottom of the bunck saidstop making sandwitchs your getting mayonase all over me!.