Old and New Jokes

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

We know about movies like Collateral Damage, that were scheduled for release but were pulled because of 9/11, causing major headaches for studios. But what about all the books that were written before 9/11 and then had to be scrapped?

Giuliani: Why He Could Never Handle a Huge Crisis

Our Fear-Free, Pampered, Celebrity-Obsessed, Self-Indulgent, Insular American World: Why It Will Go On Like This Forever

Carry On: Its Time To Stop All This Unnecessary Airport Security

Religious Fundamentalism: The Last Best Hope to Bring Peace to the World

Mommy, I Feel Too Safe: How to Raise Children in a Boring World

Hosed: Are Firemen Really All That Brave, Or Is It Just a Bunch Of Hype?

How to Find a Great Name for Your Speed-Metal Band, by Joey Belladonna of Anthrax

Jihad? Wasnt She On Moesha?: 100 Hilarious Jokes About Americans Ignorance of World Affairs and Other Cultures

The Death of CNN: Why The All-News Format Failed

Stem Cell Research: George W. Bushs defining moment

How to Look Afghan

Take a Powder!: The kids guide to de-electronizing finely milled granular substances

Place-Mats: They only show up when theres food on the table.
Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Bike Helmets: Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Government Bonds: They take so long to mature.
Parking Spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Copiers: You need them for reproduction, but thats about it.
Lava Lamps: Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Bank Accounts: Without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest.
High Heels: Theyre easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Curling Irons: Theyre always hot, and theyre always in your hair.
Mini Skirts: If youre not careful, theyll creep up your legs.
Bananas: The older they get, the less firm they are.
Fine wine: They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something youd want to have dinner with.
Vacations: They never seem to last long enough.
Computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and theyre usually wrong.
Plungers: They spend most of their time in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Snowstorms: You never know when theyre coming, how many inches youll get or how long it will last.

Things get worse under pressure.

A young man went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to
see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. Why all the attention? the friend asked, You look fine to me.I know! grinned the patient. But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required 27 stitches.

Q: Why do so many Polish navy personnel drown?

A: Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push!

According to an article by Francis Baumli in the May 1991 issue of
Mens Health Newsletter, testicles that disappear into the groin
during sex or extreme fright can be quite normal in some men and are
not necessarily a symptom of a hernia, though the men affected may be
considerably worried about what is happening. What happens is that
the cremaster muscles, one attached to each testicle, pull the
testicles up into the inguinal canal. The article concludes with the
paragraph:

Furthermore, according to physical anthropologists, its likely that
Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon man had a cremasteric reflex strong enough
to pull the testicles up into the body during fight or flight. Even
today, martial artists in some disciplines practice raising their
testicles until they can voluntarily pull them up inside the inguinal
canal where they are (supposedly) less likely to be injured during a
fight or sparring match.

And I thought I had total control of my body when I learned to wiggle
my ears.

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just like Vince.Who? asked the man.Vince Sabio. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Vince every single time.The man replied, There are always a few clouds over everybody.Not Vince. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.replied the cabbie.He was something, huh? asked the man.He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out. added the cab driver.No wonder you remember him. remarked the man.Well, I never actually met Vince. said the cabbie.Then how do you know so much about him? asked the man.The cab driver answered, I married his widow.

Your Momma is so ugly that any position is doggy style.

I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.

Willie replied: Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now Im chained to this really ugly old thing as penance.

We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.

The King replies: Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as penance.

We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.

After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other like that.

The woman answered first: When I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins…