Old and New Jokes

A patient was waiting in a pre-op room for his vasectomy. A nurse walked
in, lifted his robes, and gave him a blow job. The patient exclaimed:
Hey, that was great, but why? The nurse responded: The doctor likes
your tubes to be flushed prior to the operation. As the patient was being
wheeled into the operating room, he noticed other patients masturbating.
He asked the attendant why they were doing this. The attendent replied
that they, too, were about to have vasectomies. The patient then inquired
why he got a blow job, while they had to masturbate. Simple, said the
attendant. They have HMO, while you have Blue Cross.

Paul Blumstein

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?

I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill.

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower.

I want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonalds and think its the best place in the world to eat.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them.

I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.

I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but it didnt bother you, because you didnt know what you didnt know, and you didnt care.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.

I want to be happy, because I dont know what should make me upset.

I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice, starving and abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and mortality. I want to be six again.

I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever, because I dont know the concept of death.

I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be doing.

I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them. I want to be six again.

I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me.

I want to be naive enough to think that if Im happy, so is everyone else.

I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass Im looking for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to fix the car.

I want to wonder what Ill do when I grow up and what Ill be, who Ill be and not worry about what Ill do if this doesnt work out. I want that time back.

I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight with my spouse, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second thoughts about so many things, I can travel back and build a snowman, without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowmans mouth.

I want to be six again.

[Thanks to BS Pyle & Marc Whitney]

On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

Your parakeet knows the phrase Open up, Police!

You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.

1.-ENFERMEDAD: Está prohibido enfermarse, si usted tiene tiempo para ir al doctor y descansar, también tiene tiempo para trabajar.

2.-MUERTE DE ALGÚN PARIENTE: Sólo se permite si se muere un domingo o día festivo.

3.-MUERTE PROPIA: Está permitida con la condición de que avise dos semanas antes de su defunción para tener tiempo de contratar a un empleado que lo sustituya

4.-BODA: ¡Quédese soltero! Si usted tiene tiempo para casarse, tiene tiempo para trabajar.

5.-DERECHOS: Usted tiene derecho de ir a dormir a su casa todos los días.

6.-VACACIONES: Son las 4 semanas de vacaciones de su jefe.

7.-BODAS O BAUTIZOS DE SUS FAMILIARES: Están prohibidas, si usted tiene tiempo de ir a ellas, tiene tiempo de trabajar.

8.-HORAS EXTRAS: Con nosotros no existen,usted siempre las está trabajando.

9.-REPORTAR UN DELITO: Si usted es asaltado,¡no se queje! Si usted tiene tiempo como para ir a denunciar el delito, también tendrá tiempo para trabajar.

10.-ACCIDENTES: Se permiten sólo si no duran más de 5 minutos.

There were two farmers, neither one had much common sense. They were told by their boss to put the mule in the barn.

When they led the mule over to the barn, they decided that the mules ears were to long and he would not fit into the barn. So they put their heads together and decided to get a ladder and a saw and saw the overhead of the barn out so the mule could walk right on in the barn.



They began their job and the boss walked over to them and asked them why they were sawing out the top of the barn. When they told him the mules ears were too long to go into the barn, the boss said:



Why dont you just get a shovel and dig the dirt out of the ground below, then the mule could walk on in



The two half smarts looked at each other and said We told you his ears are too long, not his feet !

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa,
throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left.

Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove
the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1
as a subordinate exercise.
Professors of mathematics will prove the existence
of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture
of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising
Algorithm A:

Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,

Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A
by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate.
Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Hardware engineers hunt elephants by going to
Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of
them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

Economists dont hunt elephants, but they believe
that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times
and call it an elephant.

Consultants dont hunt elephants, and many have
never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do.

Operations research consultants can also measure the
correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of
elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the
elephants.

Politicians dont hunt elephants, but they will
share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers dont hunt elephants, but they do follow
the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire
herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Vice Presidents of engineering, research, and
development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are
designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt
elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice
president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:

(1) compliment the vice presidents keen eyesight and

(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy
based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants
and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the
jeep.

Sales people dont hunt elephants but spend their
time selling elephants they havent caught, for delivery two days before
the season opens.

Software Sales people ship the first thing they catch
and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray,
and sell them as desktop elephants.

Bernie was invited to his friends home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered – To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why?, they asked, as they moved off.

Because, he said, I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[Note – a few years old, and a search didnt reveal either a copyright or an
attribution. Earliest claim I could find was dated Aug 1993 by
drow@mindvox.phantom.com – ed]

AD&D Monster Manual IV

Barney

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS
FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Little childrens minds
INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12)
TREASURE: Merchandising contracts
ALIGNMENT: Purple evil

NO. APPEARING: 1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below)
ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush)
MOVEMENT: 3
HIT DICE: 8
THAC0: 12
NO. OF ATTACKS: 2
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30)
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90%
SIZE: L (8 tall)
MORALE: Stupid (30)
XP VALUE: 4,000

Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed
dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out
small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity.

Combat: Barney will normally attack with its two great paws, each
inflicting
1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and fails a
saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may be hugged
next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until the victim
or Barney is killed.
Barney may also utter a Power word I love you once every three rounds.
Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror
for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or
be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barneys commands
with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each
day that a child is in Barneys control they may be taught another lesson by
Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat
reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies
follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold
coins on Barney merchandise.
Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any
individual within 20 must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point
of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the
ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the
rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to make
spells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent
with their own insipid personalities.

Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on
the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane
and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly
surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops,
which they may use as +2 maces in combat.