Old and New Jokes

Scoutmaster: Tenderfoot, how did you get that black eye?

Tenderfoot: Sir, I was hit by a guided muscle with a knucklear warhead!

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that its the only time he hears someone tell him, Wow, thats a big one!

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, Why are you here?



The Schnauzer responds, Im 17 years old. I dont see or hear very well. Ive been having accidents in the house. My owner says Im too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep. The Schnauzer asks the poodle, Why are you here?



The Poodle responds, Ive not been myself lately. Ive been especially high strung. Ive been barking all the time, Ive been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbors kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he cant risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep. The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.



The Great Dane responds, My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know Im on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldnt help myself.



The Poodle asks, So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?



The Great Dane says, No, Im just here to get my nails trimmed.

Stay clear of the ejection port(s) both front and rear.


Beware of objects thrown from unit, both solid and liquid.


Please carry unit with care as handle placement is not optimum.


Use caution when dispensing fluids not to spill them on sensitive components of unit.


Do not drop unit as this may cause damage.


Do not submerge unit for extended periods of time.


Do not leave unit submerged while unattended as this may harm the unit.


Do not leave unit unattended in public places.


Do not expose unit to extreme temperatures.


Make sure to use proper approved restraints when transporting unit in a vehicle, i.e. no duct tape or string.


Make sure to fuel unit through proper opening.


Multiple units operating in close proximity may be hazardous to your health and mental well being.


Unit is delivered “as is” and may not be returned or exchanged. No warranty should be implied.


Software upgrades may be administered throughout the life of the unit.


Hardware upgrades may be applied later in the life of the unit, but are discouraged.


When unit malfunctions, a hard reboot may be performed by applying moderate force to the units rear panel. This will disrupt the unit’s improper behavior but will not cause permanent harm to the unit. This may actually extend the life of the unit and ensure unit behaves as desired in later years. This practice should be performed as often as unit malfunctions.


Unit may later exhibit desire to permanently mark or drill its case. This should be discouraged by the operator.


Unit may require periodic maintenance. The use of lubricants, disinfectants, powders, and other consumable supplies is encouraged to keep unit functioning.


Unit may suffer an air build up after fueling. To expel this air, gentle taps should be applied to unit’s upper rear case until all air is expelled. Continuing to tap after expulsion of trapped air may result in sudden fuel expulsion.


Unit will periodically expel byproducts. As much as operator may wish to discuss the properties of these byproducts with others, the practice is discouraged.


Those desiring orders of multiple units should seek the care of a certified mental health professional.

Copyright Dan Kidder, 2004

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they werent mine.



His second friend says: I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasnt mine.



Paddy says: I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. No Im serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, Mom, Ive decided Im going to be a minister when I grow up.

Thats okay with us, the mother said, But what made you decide to be a minister?

Well, the boy replied, Ill have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today:

WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:

DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:

O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:

GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:

APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog:

OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:

GAME OVER

Wired:

THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:

THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:

BYE

Discover Magazine:

HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:

DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal:

LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online:

SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:

TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site:

IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.

A: Air pockets.

A Horse walks into a bar:

Hey buddy, says the bartender, why the long face?