Old and New Jokes

Death is an acquired trait.

A guy walks into a tavern. Theres a horse tending the bar, and on the counter behind the horse is a goldfish bowl full of 5 dollar bills.

The guy asks the man next to him, What the hell is going on?

The man says, We have a contest going. You put a 5 dollar bill in the goldfish bowl, and if you make the horse laugh, you win all the money!

The guy goes behind the bar, puts a 5 dollar bill in the goldfish bowl, whispers something to the horse, and the horse cracks up. The guy takes all the money out of the bowl and leaves the bar.

A few months later, he walks into the tavern again. The horse is still tending bar, but now the goldfish bowl is filled with 10 dolalr bills.

The guy asks, Well, whats the contest now?

The same man answers, You have to make the horse cry!

The guy goes behind the bar, puts a 10 dollar bill in the goldfish bowl, and leads the horse out the back door.

A few minutes later, they walk back in and the horse is in tears. The guy takes all the money out of the goldfish bowl, and just as hes walking out, everyone demands that he explain how he did it!

The 1st time he explains, I told the horse I was hung better than he was. This time I showed it to him!

You work very odd hours.You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.You are not proud of what you do.Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.Its difficult to have a family.You have no job satisfaction.If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.People ask you, What do you do? and you cant explain it.Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)Your friends have distanced themselves from you and youre left hanging with only other professionals.Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay its not your problem.When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).You are rated on your performance in an excruciating ordeal.Even though you get paid the big bucks, its the client who walks away smiling.The client always thinks your cut of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.When you deduct your take from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, Im not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life..

Bill Gates died and found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. Well, Bill, God said, Im really confused about this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. So Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go!

Bill replied, Well, thanks, God. Whats the difference between the two?

God said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.

Fine, but where should I go first?

God said, Im going to leave that up to you.

Bill said, Okay, then, lets try Hell first. So off Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. This is great! he told God. If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!

Fine, said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. Hmm, I think I prefer Hell, he told God.

Fine, God replied, as you desire. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. Hows everything going, Bill? God asked.

Bill responded (his voice full of anguish and disappointment), This is awful; this is not what I expected. I cant believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?

Ah, God smiled and said, That was just the screensaver.

It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.

Youve ever stood outside a K-mart for more than an hour arguing with the manager about the shirt and shoes law.

Youve ever gone Christmas shopping at the dollar store.

Teacher: Why are you late to school?

Kevin: Because of the sign.



Teacher: What sign?



Kevin: The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.

1…Constipated People Dont Give A Crap.

2…If You Dont Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

3…My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

4…To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

5…Impotence: Natures Way Of Saying No Hard Feelings.

6…I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha

7…Illiterate? Write For Help

8…If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then Youre Doing It Wrong

9…Cat: The Other White Meat

10…Heart Attacks…Gods Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

After you request sex she replies, Wait til the Nyquil kicks in.
Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
Actually answers when you ask Whos your daddy?
Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
Only moans during commercial breaks.
Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
Beginning to think she is only playing dead.
During the act, she actually yelled out, Oh, Baby, yadda, yadda, yadda!
Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
Keeps asking Are you SURE youre not gay?
Boredom? So thats why she keeps deflating!!
Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
She yells out her own name.
Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

( via Ernies House of Whoop Ass )

A man came home from the Social Security Office. Honey, he said to his wife, I finally convinced them that Im old enough to collect Social Security.

How? his wife asked. Since the department of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you cant get a copy of your birth certificate.

I know, the man replied, I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that Im old enough.

His wife retorted, Then while you were at it, why didnt you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!

A guy is hunting bear and spots one in some bushes and blasts away. He goes to investigate but sees no bear. Then something taps him on the shoulder and he turns to see the bear. The bear asks: Dont you know this is not bear hunting season?

The guy says Yes, I know.

The bear takes his rifle and smashes it on a rock, then throws the guy across a tree trunk, pulls his pants down and does it to him. Then he tells the guy Get out of here. I dont want to see you again.

The guy is incensed and hurries back to town and buys the biggest bear rifle he can find and goes back into the forest. Soon he spots the bear and empties the rifle. He looks for the bear but no body. Then the tap on the shoulder and the bear tells him: I told you not to come back.

He smashes the new rifle, throws him on the ground and gives it to him again. Then he says: This is the last time Im warning you. Dont come back.

This time the guy is berserk. When he gets back to town he buys a M16 and goes back. Hes sure hes spotted the bear in the brush and empties the entire magazine of the M16 into the brush.

Still no body and then the familiar tap on the shoulder.

The bear asks him Say, youre not really in it for the hunting, are you?