Old and New Jokes

It is not generally known that when Moses first came down from the Mount the tabernacles contained fourteen commandments. When he read them out to the Children of Israel there was great commotion.

One of the spokesmen said to Moses This is very hard on us Moses, please go back and try to reason with the Lord . Explain that we are human and to keep all these commandments will place great hardship on us. So, very reluctantly Moses went back up to the Mount with the tabernacles and after a week, gaunt and haggard came stumbling back to the Tents of Israel. The people gathered around expectantly and the spokesman asked Nu, Moses, how did it go up there?

Moses could hardly speak, he was hoarse from his week long pleadings for his people. Finally he said Well, I have good news and bad news, The good news is that I managed to get it down to only ten commandments, but the bad news is that adultery is still in!.

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.

"I have chapped lips."

"Does manure help them heal?"

"No, but it keeps me from licking them."

The Real Programmer is capable of working 30, 40, even 50 hours at a stretch, under intense pressure. In fact, he prefers it that way. Bad response time doesnt bother the Real Programmer — it gives him a chance to catch a little sleep between compiles. If there is not enough schedule pressure on the Real Programmer, he tends to make things more challenging by working on some small but interesting part of the problem for the first nine weeks, then finishing the rest in the last week, in two or three 50-hour marathons. This not only inpresses the hell out of his manager, who was despairing of ever getting the project done on time, but creates a convenient excuse for not doing the documentation. In general:

• No Real Programmer works 9 to 5. (Unless its the ones at night.)
• Real Programmers dont wear neckties.
• Real Programmers dont wear high heeled shoes. [But you *never* know!]
• Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch.
• A Real Programmer might or might not know his wifes name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (and/or EBCDIC) code table.
• Real Programmers dont know how to cook. Grocery stores arent open at three in the morning.
• Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee.

Thanx to William Conway.

Right where you left him.

STOCK:
A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND:
What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER:
The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
BEAR:
What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL:
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN:
Where you scribble the latest quotes when youre supposed to be listening to your managers presentation.
SHORT POSITION:
A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesnt actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in. (i.e. The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, Im a little short this month.).
COMMISSION:
The only reliable way to wake money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK:
What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them up end to end, theyd still point in the wrong direction?

Yo mama is so stupid she thought dunkin donuts was a basketball team.

Yo momma so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed

A drunken sailor on liberty got into a big mud puddle in the street and was looking for something there.

Soon two other sailors came over and asked him: Hey, bud, what are you looking for?

You better give me a hand, men, said the drunk.

The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching something unknown. At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed: Ive found it!

What did you find?

The shore! he exclaimed.

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. We never ejaculate prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator its glamorous. When men buy a blowup doll, its pathetic.

6. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. Weve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

12. We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).

14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks were gay.

15. We know the truth about whether size matters.

16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

17. If we have sex with someone and dont call the next day, were not the devil.

18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

19. We can sleep our way to the top.

20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

21. Its possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.

23. We dont have to fart to amuse ourselves.

24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume its because were being emotionally neglected.

25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.

28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

30. If were dumb, some people will find it cute.

31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.

34. Our friends wont think were weird if we ask whether theres spinach in our teeth.

35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

36. Gay waiters dont make us uncomfortable.

37. Well never regret piercing our ears.

38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop.. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because were leaving.

The mother went into the living room and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language.

Two house later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip.

For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.